Hotter boys and stolen sweethearts

parachute

2010-03-04T19:00:00.007+08:00

I don’t tell anyone about the way you hold my hand. I don’t tell anyone about the things that we have planned. I won’t tell anybody, won’t tell anybody. They wanna push me down they wanna see you fall down.

Won’t tell anybody how you turn my world around. I won’t tell anyone how your voice is my favorite sound. I won’t tell anybody, won’t tell anybody. They wanna see us fall they wanna see us fall down.

I don’t need a parachute, baby if I’ve got you. Baby if I’ve got you, I don’t need a parachute. You’re gonna catch me, you’re gonna catch if I fall. Down down down.

Don’t believe the things you tell yourself so late at night. You are your own worst enemy, you'll never win the fight. Just hold on to me, I’ll hold on to you. It’s you and me up against the world it’s you and me love.

I don’t need a parachute, baby if I’ve got you. Baby if I’ve got you, I don’t need a parachute. You’re gonna catch me, you’re gonna catch if I fall. Down down down.

I won’t fall out of love, I'll fall into you.

lost under your skin

2010-02-11T16:44:00.003+08:00

when i'm wide awake, seeing things straight, you're a love i got to lose. even though you never change, you stay the same, i keep on waking up to you. and i don't know why, cus i know you're gonna make me cry. and i don't know how, but i know you do it to me everytime

i fall in, to your lies, i start to lose my senses. when i look in your eyes, i become defenseless. my heart you hold, and you won't let go, it's so paralyzing. under your spell, baby you got control. you're so hypnotizing

you got me sleep walking

odd it seems, you're in every dream, there's no way i can get away. and you stole from me, my sanity, but i never seem to make an escape. but why, when i know you're gonna make me cry. and i don't know how, but you do it to me everytime

you got me sleep walking

i can't wait for the sunrise, to wake up and open my eyes. somebody pinch me, so i can erase the spell you has on my life. i wanna snap from this sleeping, sip on some coffee, cus i'm leaving. but your love will always, keep me asleep...

cus you got me sleep walking...

human traffic accident

2009-12-21T21:02:00.004+08:00

i just don't want to know anymore. i don't want to go back there anymore. there, where filthy sins and guilts lingers to ruin this deteororating bad habits. at this point of time, i'm really trying my best to fix myself, from every corner of my entire broken soul.

i sat up one night, middle of the night and i knew i could do this. i still don't know how i'm gonna do this, but, i knew i could do it. you just have to know. and when you don't know, then no one can fault you for it. you do what you can, when you can, while you can. and when you can't, you can't.

some things, they're really never meant to be told, never meant to be shared, never meant to be deal with at all. so, the best way that i think i could handle this, is to never had any expectations, generally, anything, anything that's too much to ask for. and if i leave, i don't expect a repercussion. none. and its true... if you keep doing good things, you'll always feel good all the time.

but you, you got to be a metaphor for that whole thing we used to have, it hurts and breaks me, while we're trying to satisfy our wants, seduce by the evil lusts; i never want it to be so easy but indeed, time and time to come, it has grew difficult by itself. and here's what i think that metaphor is saying: no matter how many precautions you take, when you really care, no safety measure is enough to protect your growing tender, vulnerable heart. you can double-glove until the cows come home, but when someone else holds your heart in his or her hands, you may well seriously get hurt. i should know. my own heart has been battered and bruised aplenty throughout the years. i've handed it to others, only to have it handled carelessly, dropped reluctantly, or stomped on cruelly. it's scratched and stained and not nearly as resilient as it once was. so why do i keep trying? why do i keep pulling my misshappen shattered treasure out of my chest and proffering it to others? why not just walk away? i could have quit, but maybe here's the thing: i love te playing field, just like a hard day's night. afterall, we're all humans, we're bound to fall in love, guard our heart the next thing we knew we got thrashed.

but i'll promise you, i'll be stronger than this, and for being me, i pray that you would welcome my existence with at least the littlest mutual understanding that we're all in it.

Forever and for always

2009-10-30T22:22:00.002+08:00

In your arms

I can still feel the way you want me when you hold me

I can still hear the words you whispered when you told me

I can stay right here forever in your arms

And there ain't no way

I'm lettin' you go now

And there ain't no way and there ain't not how

I'll never see that day....

'Cause I'm keeping you forever and for always

We will be together all of our day

Wanna wake up every morning to your sweet face, always

Mmmm, baby

In your heart,

I can still hear a beat for every time you kiss me

And when we're apart,

I know how much you miss me

I can feel your love for me in your heart

And there ain't no way

I'm lettin' you go now

And there ain't now way and there ain't no how

I'll never see that day....

'Cause I'm keeping you forever and for always
We will be together all of our day
Wanna wake up every morning to your sweet face, always

I wanna wake up every morning...

In your eyes

I can still see the look of the one who really loves me

I can still feel the way that you want

The one who wouldn't put anything else in the world above me

I can still see love for me

I can still see love for me in your eyes

I still see the love

And there ain't no way

I'm lettin' you go now

And there ain't no way and there ain't no how

I'll never see that day...

'Cause I'm keeping you forever and for always
We will be together all of our day
Wanna wake up every morning to your sweet face, always

I'm keeping you forever and for always

I'm in your arms...

last flight out

2009-10-09T07:22:00.001+08:00

lately, eversince you went away, i would find myself crying in the wee hours of the cold morning, i can't sleep. all i can do is think about you. i'm so scared without you. i feel so empty. i know you're still here, but the sense of withdrawal eats me up. i tried to keep myself busy, try to watch tv, go out with my friends. the pain would stop, but then it wouldn't really go away. it stops for awhile and come back. i'm scared to go to bed, because i never like nightmares.

i miss you. i'm so scared we would parted. i dunno what to do. i'm waiting for you patiently. i love you, more than anything in the world. i just dunno what to do anymore without you in my life. forgive me if i have been so emotionally attached to you. i feel so lonely. and to know the fact that we can't be with each other as often, it kills me.

i dunno what to do to make my paranoia go away. i'm so disturbed. i'm not okay. and all i need is you.

please don't leave me. don't forget me. don't give up on me. don't let me go.
i love you b :(

love.sounds

2009-10-04T21:30:00.001+08:00

I love to see you walk into the room
Body shining lightin' up the place
And when you talk, everybody stop
'Cause I know you know just what you sayin'

The way that you protect your friends
Baby I respect you for that
And when you grow you'll take everyone you love along
I love that shit

Don't fly me away
Don't need to buy a diamond key to unlock my heart
You shelter my soul, you're my fire when I'm cold
I want you to know

You had me at hello
Hello, hello
You had me at hello
Hello, hello
It was many years ago
Baby when you stole my cool
'Cause you had me at hello
Hello, hello

I get so excited when you travel with me
Baby while I'm on my grind
And never will I ever let my hustle
Come between me and my family time and

You keep me humble, I like this type
'Cause you know there's more to life
And if I need ya, you will be here
You will make the sacrifice

Don't fly me away
Don't need to buy a diamond key to unlock my heart
You shelter my soul, you're my fire when I'm cold
I want you to know

You had me at hello
Hello, hello
You had me at hello
Hello, hello
It was many years ago
Baby when you stole my cool
You had me at helloHello, hello

Gotta feel you and be near you
You're the air that I breathe to survive
Gotta hold you, wanna show you
That without you my sun doesn't shine
You don't have to try so hard for me to love you
Baby without you my life just ain't the same
You don't have to try so hard for me to love you

You had me at hello
Hello, hello
You had me at hello
Hello, hello
It was many years ago
When you stole my cool
You had me at helloHello, hello

It was many years ago
Baby, when you stole my cool
You had me at hello
Hello, hello

take me to orange county beach before you decide to leave me here alone tonight

2009-10-01T01:45:00.005+08:00

i'm just lost for thoughts tonight. aimless in wonder. i'm too scared that i would lose you anytime. i can't blame anyone if it happens, but myself.

everywhere i go, anytime of the day, the word that will keep on reminding me is try. try try try.

try for your love.

nothing, can describe my love for you. nothing at all. i love you, and maybe perhaps tonight i just failed to show you, to prove to you, in fact i think i've lost your trust somehow. the guilt is crazy, and so is my love.

i feel like you knew, and i feel like you will be leaving me anytime soon. and i'm scared. but if you really gonna go, i can't stop you, i deserved it, i can't be your disappointment all the time

i'm sorry

you're still here

2009-07-08T22:46:00.003+08:00

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real enough. What's that saying?

"Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?"

"Because it feels so good when I stop."

Denial.

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. "De Nile". It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

The fantasy is simple. Pleasure is good. And twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad. And no pain is better. But the reality is different. The reality is that pain is there to tell us something. And there is only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomachache. And maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

And you don't get to call me a jerk. When I met you, I thought I had met the person I would spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the flings, and all the bars, booze and clubs, and all the obvious crappy-life issues... who cared? Because I was done. You left me! You chose him! I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a jerk!

When it has to come down with just only one and you are in no shoes to decide but fight for what you think you deserve

2009-07-02T00:55:00.001+08:00

Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, him or me, and I'm sure he is really great. But look, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you.

So pick me, choose me, love me.

Lines

2009-06-29T04:59:00.002+08:00

There's something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it's a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It's entirely up to the individual. And depends on what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more.

And maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human. Maybe, we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

So how do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask... And when is it all just too much to bear?

still the first time

2009-06-22T21:52:00.002+08:00

i'm still lonesome. i still am.

you're still not here. you're still somewhere out there. i'm still waiting for you. i'm still in love with you. i still cry for you. i still thinks of you. i still remember the first time we met. i still remember the first time we kiss. i still have your pictures. i still cannot forget about you.

i still miss you. and i still want you.

if you never come, will god send me an angel? a clone like you

an angel that can still tell me that my world will be alright and i'm still waking up with a bright smile on my face.

but i didn't wake up with smiles on my face, i never been, eversince you disappear

a simple thing, where have you gone?

angel? help me, i'm helpless and lonely and empty
i'm all hollowed beneath this skin

i'm getting tired and i need somewhere to begin, but there's nothing left to put a trust on. has all hopes been gone? if i put some hope on myself and any of you, will we even make it?

fears, it eats me up, run like fire

go away then, you go away, until, still.

Hopes

2009-06-14T02:59:00.003+08:00

"When you're alone
I want you to know
I'll be back some day"

It's time for me to have to go
Away for so long
To make our own paradise
But dreams don't come easy you've gotta believe me
You know this deep inside

But it's not long now
Till I'm on my wayI keep wishing tomorrow was yesterday
You're my everything
That won't disappear
Baby you've got nothing to fear

If you're alone, I want you to know
I'll be back someday
Don't you ever let go
Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night
Just wait for me till I get home

When you're on your own
I want you to know
I'll be there for you, I could never let go
I realise that you want me to stay
But hold on
I'll be back someday

When I return, I wanna see
This beautiful baby who's still loving me
With tears in your eyes but a smile on your face
Impatiently we'll embrace

But it's not long now
Till' I'm on my way
I keep praying tomorrow was yesterday
You're my everything that won't disappear
Baby you've got nothing to fear

If you're alone, I want you to know
I'll be back someday
Don't you ever let go
Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night
Just wait for me till I get home

When you're on your own
I want you to know
I'll be there for you, I could never let go
I realise that you want me to stay
But hold on
I'll be back someday

And when I go, I'll be loving you still
Baby you will never know, just how lonely I'll feel
You know I really gotta go, but I wish I could stay
Hold on, just hold on, I'll be back

So if you're alone, I want you to know
I'll be back someday
Don't you ever let go
Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night
Just wait for me till I get home

When you're on your own
I want you to know
I'll be there for you, I could never let go
I realise that you want me to stay
But hold on
I'll be back someday

i'm on the peak, the highest i can be

2009-06-09T14:48:00.002+08:00

there's so much that i need to do, so much that needs to be done. i'm on the rise, need to adjust. need to find new sources, new inspirations, new hopes - leads to new future

i rise baby, i rise

i couldn't care less of what you think, what you're becoming, who you are and what you want to be.

all i know is, i'm better than you on every of my own perspections

i got the right to ignore, to avoid

you'll be that stranger, as closest as you can be, you're my one and only enemy

don't

2009-04-27T00:44:00.003+08:00

don't.

don't do it if you don't want to.

if you don't like it, say you don't like it.

if you don't want to, say you don't want to.

don't.

don't come and go as and when you like.

you are just being selfish without knowing it yourself.

don't.

don't be a fool and hurt innocent sincere feelings.

go away...

go far far away and disappear from my world.

don't.

don't spin me, not anymore

don't start, don't say, don't do

don't make it happen

just don't, its for the better

Insatiable

2009-04-19T20:05:00.001+08:00

When moonlight crawls along the street
Chasing away the summer heat
Footsteps outside somewhere below
The world revolves I let it go

We build our church above this street
We practice love between these sheets
The candy sweetness scent of you
It bathes my skin
Im stained by you

And all I have to do is hold you
Theres a racing in my heart
I am barely touching you

Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable

Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable

The moonlight plays upon your skin
A kiss that lingers takes me in
I fall asleep inside of you
There are no words
Theres only truth

Breathe in breathe out
There is no sound
We move together up and down
We levitate our bodies soar
Our feet dont even touch the floor

And nobody knows you like I do
The world doesnt understand
But I grow stronger in your hands

Turn the lights down low
Take it offLet me show
My love for you
Insatiable

Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable

We never sleep were always holdin hands
Kissin for hours talkin makin plans
I feel like a better man
Just being in the same room
We never sleep theres just so much to do
Too much to say
Cant close my eyes when
Im with you
Insatiable the way Im loving you

Turn the lights down low
Take it offLet me show
My love for you
Insatiable

Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable

insatiable

2009-04-17T00:30:00.002+08:00

this is the best time for abstinence and celibacy

because, i never worth anything in your eyes and that is what i am to you.

what have you done?

2009-04-05T18:23:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, we "lived in a perfect world"
Yesterday, we said
Because our eyes looked at our souls
And you didn't look at me truthfully.

Tomorrow shall be a new day, a new dawn in my universe,
Tomorrow I will not see your name written between my verses,
I will not listen to words of regret,
I will painlessly ignore your remorse.

Tomorrow I'll forget that yesterday I was your faithful loving one,
Tomorrow there won't be even reasons for me to hate you,
I will erase all your dreams of my dreams,
Shall the wind drag the memories of you forever.

Yesterday we both dreamed with a perfect world,
Yesterday the words exceeded our lips,
Because in our eyes we glanced each other's soul
And the truth did not hesitate in your look.

Yesterday we promised each other to conquer the entire world,
Yesterday you swore to me this love would last forever,
Because to be mistaken once is enough,
To learn what is to love sincerely.

But look at what you have done now, you blew it away, you spoilt it all

somewhere we can be alone

2009-04-05T08:03:00.002+08:00

where have you been?

what happened?

at this point of time, you're the only want i want to die and live for. at this point of time, you're the only one that i want until i don't feel like i deserve you at all.

why must it be like this?

why can we just be happy with each other?

i miss you but i know it doesn't matter no matter how much i yearn to have you.

dawn

2009-04-03T15:35:00.003+08:00

i won't. i don't. i can't.

you won't. you don't. you can't.

we could. we would.

Build me a bridge, burn me a fire. Rest something in my empty hands. Fear it with light, fear me tonight. A figure that you would understand. Up until dawn. Sweat on your palms. Feeling you poor me in and in. Under again, under my skin. Guiding me through this hole of fear. Swinging my head, an appertain. Circling momentum, round and round. Crunching my thirst, first for my thought. Second to fill my silent mind.

we'll have a moonlight party. we'll dance until the sunrise

cus that's what we know best.

just leave me untouched alright?

2009-04-02T23:32:00.003+08:00

its been rather forgiving. i've becoming more restless as times goes by. i just want school to start as soon as possible. and i'm glad that my mojo is back. it really boost me esteem abit. haha a walk in the clouds.

i dunno what happened to us. i never want to disappoint anyone. i never want to disappoint holly. i never did. we both knew of the barrier that i put up between us. i don't know. i just don't want to hurt her feelings. there's something i never tell her. something that i won't tell her. something that could made her hate me so much. but i guessed its okay now. it doesn't matter.

and you, i'm left with you. i really don't know what i should do with you. if i'm going to take a chance then its going to be me being a whole lot holy mother of patheticness. you came, you brighten the darkness of my world and then came the story which seems ridiculously unreasonable for me to judge you unknowingly which made me more mentally paranoid.

its been in circles. and its a cycle.

what the hell is wrong with the whole world damnit?

2009-04-02T01:40:00.001+08:00

for you, i plead myself try

lovedrugged

2009-04-01T12:40:00.001+08:00

i'm lovedrugged

you are starting to become my addiction everyday so please don't crush my world. i miss you AJF.

lovedrugged. lovedrugged. lovedrugged.

2009-03-31T23:48:00.003+08:00

THIS IS THE BEGINNING.

THIS IS MY BEGINNING. I WILL FIGHT THIS. I WILL FIGHT FOR WHAT I WANT. YOU CAN'T STOP ME NOW. I'M ON THE HIGH. I'M IN RAINBOWS.

15 STEPS, THEN A SHER DROP

TEST ME. PROVE ME WRONG.

AS NAIVE AS I CAN BE, I'M IN LOVE, AJF.

- SYAHFIKALVIN

future sex and love sounds

2009-03-30T11:50:00.005+08:00

we could have so much fun together

you and me.

we could dance, steal, laugh, cry together

you and me.

we could run, cook, eat, shower together

you and me.

we could be as one under the stars

just us.

pick me, choose me,

cus i'm fighting for this.

pick me. choose me.

maybe not.

don't, won't, can't.

symmetry

2009-03-29T02:09:00.003+08:00

suck it up damnit. suck it up. run, crawl, drag, whatever. suck it up.

i don't care. if karma is really teaching me a lesson for giving too much white lies and black sexs then i think i'll make sure i don't deserve it.

so, you're happily in love and you are keeping in real this time? well good for you bigfoot. i am happy for you. but i'll make sure i'll laugh at you hard the next time round you fucking start a new blog and start saying "oh... i'm just trying fix my life..."

right. we'll see how real, far, and true you can go. i don't know why i'm mad at you, and i don't care even up to this point for the fact that i'm fucking cursing and swearing at you, at the same fucking point of time where i missed and love you still.

stupid bitch. now i'm really fucking mad.

go to hell

oh yeah i'm the fucking catalyst here you holy motherfucker son of a bitch of all destruction

mcstarry the forgiving

2009-03-26T09:58:00.022+08:00

reality.

the fact that we have chose to deny that we are facing real life situations. it's a denial, we all knew that. we all knew what's life without white lies. it's going to be pretty damn hard to go through a day without feeding ourselves with ego meals. we all knew that life is really not about what you see in t.v, neither is it what you've heard and dance from a song.

the complications - barriers, risks, consequences, chances, contemplations

but who gets to decide? oh, it's the one and only, the mythical character that accompanies humans all over the world who truly believes in it, the honourable lady luck.

we all feed our ego hard, so hard that we suffocated and drowned ourselves into the world that we don't even know if it belongs to us. why why why - that's one word question all we've got to ask ourselves. we don't know, until it comes to us at the end of the day. the answer will appear at the bridge of our minds and the cycle continues.

you really want to know why?

in a manner of speaking, life is a million times serious than what we've seen on t.v. songs does a good job in portaying life but it's a done deal. life is not about feeding our own egos. we have to make it through on our own, whether we like it or not.

whatever that we are all searching and still chasing, it's like a star. so precious, light years that we all know seems definitely impossible for us to even live pass it. we feared in the name of doubt. we got scared before the outcome even comes to approach us.

precious and impossible - the reasons why we are all ordinary humans with extraordinary goals and achievements.

still chasing when it's gone

2009-03-25T03:54:00.007+08:00

i got all the chances in the world. all.

chances by chances, they all came, but i blew them away. every single one of them. i got nothing to blame but myself. i expected more, now i'm miserable. the truth is, i'm miserable.

you have been the one for me

invisible - it's my fault. i chose to alienate myself. i exiled myself from anything in this world when everything seems so easily to be given up. i'm broken, so broken into pieces that nothing can glue me up again no matter how much i tried to fix myself sometimes. i'm so hollowed. for all the lost souls, i feel you. i know what it's like. we can't do much can we? the best choice we got is to gulp down every inch of sorrows we had.

the question is, will it ever come?

another truth is, i knew nothing about it. i just want to run away, as far as possible.

So let me on down cus time has made me strong. I'm starting to move on. I'm gonna say this now. Your chance has come and gone. And you know what I meant.

And I can't wait but you know all the right things to say. You say you dream of my face but you don't like me. You just like the chase to be real. It doesn't matter anyway.

It doesn't matter anymore. we're both gone

15 steps

2009-03-24T08:45:00.005+08:00

How come I end up where I started? How come I end up where I went wrong? Won't take my eyes off the ball again?

You reel me out when you cut the string.

How come I end up where I started? How come I end up where I went wrong? Won't take my eyes off the ball again?

First you reel me out and then you cut the string.

You used to be alright. What happened? Did the cat get your tongue? Did your string come undone? One by one.

One by one, it comes to us all. It's as soft as your pillow.

You used to be alright. What happened? Etcetera, Etcetera.

Fetch for whatever. Fifteen steps, then a sheer drop.

How come I end up where I started? How can I end up where I belong? Won't take my eyes off the ball again?

You reel me out then you cut the string

- "15 Step", Radiohead

POSTSCRIPT:

I will rise, thus, you will be the first few to celebrate my glory in your own disappointments and fears

(extra)ordinary

2009-03-20T02:18:00.008+08:00

anyone can fall in love and be happy blindly but not

everyone can pick up a scapel and perform a life surgery.

we can't be soft hearted anymore. i am trying hard,

maybe even harder.

i would be happy.

Scottish mountains and english seas

2009-03-19T20:44:00.007+08:00

If I told you a secret, You won't tell a soul
Will you hold it and Keep it alive?
Cause it's burning a hole And I can't get to sleep And I can't live alone In this life

So look up, take it away
Don't look da-da-da-down The mountain
If the world isn't turning, Your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow

So take me, don't leave me
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through, It's just waiting for you

And you stand at the crossroads Of highroads and lowroads
And I've got a feeling It's right
If it's real what I'm feeling, There's no make believing
The sound of the wings Of the flight
Of a dove, take it away
Don't look da-da-da-down The mountain
If the world isn't turning, Your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow

So take me, don't leave me
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you

Oh, look up

take it away
Don't look da-da-da-down
If the world isn't turning, Your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow

So take me, don't leave me
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through It's just waiting for you

Love will come through
Love will come through
Love will come through

rendezvous at 3am

2009-03-19T04:42:00.004+08:00

it started out with a text message. then another. it led to 6 missed calls and before i knew it, i was standing in front of your doorstep.

you look as good as before, those eyes, that smile you always have when i looked at you whenever you are trying to open the gate to let me in. i greeted you and went straight to your room. it was cold, and i slide through your bed while you sat down at where i supposed you were before i came.

the computer was on, it shows alot of things that kamasutra is always trying to preach humans about. i keep on staring at you while you gulp down on your peach drink. and then you asked... do you still need that? or shall we just go on without it? i said anything, and you decided to let us have some quiet time without the computer.

you lie next to me, quickly grab my hands, the energy that you exudes felt like you've missed me since the last time we've met. one thing led to another... and... we kissed. it felt like both our soul has been going through a miserable period of time. your room felt like a sanctuary for a moment. it's quiet, dark, peaceful. the angels must be watching us, the unification of two souls. how beautiful. we were breathing harder every minute... and every minute ticks just like our heart pumping out the blood in us. there's a need. there's a need right here in your room right now. the need for us to be united. too peaceful that this felt like the only chance we can get closer... and closer... even closer. i watched you while you're still closing your eyes. the warmthness of your physical, it made me feel like our rendezvous was quite what we need. and tonight, in twilight of 3, i run to you.

it's a rejuvenation- empowering stronger

from that moment, i knew, its our passion that unites our souls together and never was it a lust. you look so beautiful, it made me pondered what its like to have you into my life. we can't. we never will. the unification of our soul only happens during twilight and we are not to expect nothing more than that. we did our best for us. the eclipse of our soul ended with great gratifications.

you greeted me home, and so i left. the next thing i knew, i was back on my own doorstep, still having you on my mind.

until the blue moon shines again, i'll run to you in twilight, to let eclipse in and unify our souls. come breathe me in, light my fire and warmth me in your own will. the darkness is all we had, we got nothing to loose, my dearest, but our souls. to let loose free, yours, mine, both you and i. its ours now. its the only night we appreciate the unwanted love that we had doubted and feared of to a full significant use.

it must have been the full moon

i seek you out, flay you alive

2009-03-18T23:09:00.005+08:00

i'm going to do a major book reading-finishing session soon. i have to. i still haven't finish reading eckhart tolle's spiritual book. tsk. i'm such a bummer. and also terry winchester's book. sigh, it's essential, ha period.

hot coffee and spiritual books marathon tonight. teehee :] and of course, grey's anatomy. woohoooooooo

it's already been almost a week that i went out everyday. darn it. i felt abit worn out somehow.

i met christie again today heh. accompanied her for her nail spa session and just bluntly hang out in town. it's a shagged warm day today... and my head... my brain... my mind... it's erupting with questions and paranoia. why...

strike 1: leo

but it wasn't a leo. but it radically made some sense to me. those cards i've been playing with, those signs i have been seeing, could it be really possible? gee

and what's one way to forget you faster? i stared at your picture and it could make me feel like i have tidal waves, the gush feeling you get about everything that seemed so painfully miserable. i don't want to delete your pictures, neither do i want to stare at your face more, but i miss you. now you made me felt the angst, on myself.

anyway i really really want my hair to grow longer fast. i need to make an appointment with my doctor soon. i don't feel good. i really need those medicine. i believe in investing something that worth it and could make yourself feel better. heh.

currently i'm waiting for (you) to show up on my messenger list. there's no doubt that i always love to play with fire. well, come onnnnn, you only live once righhhttt. hahaha okay tsk. we'll see about that. well no matter what, i still got my guts on; security check(ed.) it's always and will be about my goals and principles in my life.

random, some said that i can be vague. am i not expressing myself much when i felt like its too much? damn

what we need is a persuasion, what you gave is a retaliation

15 step

2009-03-18T01:02:00.003+08:00

i want more grey's anatomy! the shows inspires me very much that it makes me want to become a doctor( don't think that will happen in a million years, yes?ha). medical, sex, lies, deceit, patients, friends, love, contemplations... what more can you ask for from a life so busy like that? i loved it.

anyway, i took this quiz that hui min tagged me on facebook. somehow its true though, whatever the results had said.

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

should you feel like taking this quiz, help yourself http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

as for today, i'm pretty much contented with the state that i am right now. i can't be much blissful and so blessed. i was sitting in the train and looking at the other side of the train's glass reflection and saw myself. i looked and stared at myself, smiling in my head. had all these silly problems never come, it would never had made me felt any wiser then this. for the first time in my whole life, i am so comfortable in my own shoes. its indescribable. my soul is happy, and grateful.

i met christie this evening and had dinner at a japanese restaurant. haha it was scrumptuous though. we went to do some late express shopping and she bought some shoes that made her happy. haha girls. i wanted to buy a new pair of havaianas slippers in blue but there isn't any stocks for it anymore. old edition. tsk.

alrightey. i'm going to go wash up and probably do some late night reading or so. ciao bella!

you used to be alright... what happened? did the cat get in your tongue?

in rainbows

2009-03-16T14:47:00.005+08:00

in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/in rainbows/

in rain_bows

it's all in your mind

2009-03-15T19:00:00.003+08:00

i don't care and it doesn't matter anymore. do i look like i care when you give me that whatever attitude? go catch and run after your low life now, and make sure you don't drop your heavy bottom to the ground cus its full of stinky shits.

i had enough of bullcrap from them already. why must i care about their feelings when they don't give a hook about mine? fuck you. fuck the hell out of you shithole people. for all these while that i've been holding on to my own paranoia, it did killed my own brain. damnit. its time you screwed up people have a break and move aside. or maybe just clear out the way before you get wash up by others who loathes your presence.

it doesn't bug me not any bit if i have to say this a zillion times to myself, that all i care for right now is my principles and goals which i'll prove to myself that i'm going to achieve it.

watch me storm your fucking ground. i don't do repeats. period.

spiralling

2009-03-13T14:33:00.003+08:00

I'm waiting for my moment to come. I'm waiting for the movie to begin. I'm waiting for a revelation. I'm waiting for someone to count me in. Cus now I only see my dreams, in everything I touch, feel their cold hands on, everything that I love. Cold like some magnificant skyline, out of my reach but always in my eyeline now.

Oh!

We're tumbling down. We're spiralling. Tied up to the ground, we're spiralling.

I fashioned you from jewels and stone. I made you in the image of myself. I gave you everything you wanted so you would never know anything else. But everytime I reach for you, you slip through my fingers; into cold sunlight, laughing at the things that I had planned, the map of my world gets smaller as I sit here pulling at the loose threads now.

Oh!

We're tumbling down. We're spiralling. Tied up to the ground, we're spiralling. When we fall in love, we're just falling.

In love with ourselves, we're spiralling.

Did you wanna be a winner? Did you wanna be an icon? Did you wanna be famous? Did you wanna be the president? Did you wanna start a war? Did you wanna have a family? Did you wanna be in love?

Did you wanna be in love???

I never saw the light. I never saw the light. I waited up all night. But I never saw the light.

Oh!

When we fall in love,we're just falling. In love with ourselves, we're spiralling. We're tumbling down. We're spiralling. Tied up to the ground, we're spiralling ...

hear me as i am

2009-03-12T10:38:00.003+08:00

blank stares at blank pages.

hello, to high and dry! i woke up every morning feeling inspired. my soul... i felt like i'm rejuvenating freshness all the time. i'm embracing every air i'm breathing with great appreciation that i'm still alive. i always believe i can attain my goals and achievements, all the time heh. of course with the help of my loved ones guiding me.

because in the end, it's either make or break.

Say goodnight and go

2009-03-10T11:57:00.004+08:00

I run from hate. I run from prejudice. I run from pessimists. But I run too late.
I run my life. Or is it running me? Run from my past, I run too fast. Or too slow it seems?

When lies become the truth, that's when I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster, into a new disaster so I run to you. I run to you baby. And when it all starts coming undone, baby you're the only one I run to.

I run to you.

We run on fumes. Your life and mine, like the sands of time, slippin' right on through. And our love's the only truth, that's why I run to you.

I run to you when everything seems impossible. I run to you when I failed my attempt to forget you. I run to you when I thought I can't do it anymore. I run to you when I want to know that you're still alive, still breathing, still wondering somewhere on Earth. Sometimes, I just couldn't find you. Or is it you that just doesn't want to be found? Sometimes, you would show up. Did you hear my prayers, baby? And sometimes when I've found you, you just told me it'll be okay. You told me everything will be just fine. You didn't ask me to run, you just told me that it'll be okay.

It'll be just you. I can't try to let you go anymore any harder. My head is spinning like mad right now. I just have to let you slip away off my mind and eventually it will happen as the time rolls. And if it doesn't, you'll be the scar that etched on my heart and stays forever.

I've learnt that the truth is the truth and it tells nothing but only the truth. In these case, the fact that you're gone.

My nights are getting colder. My days are getting slower each day. It makes me dread. It's cold down here.

It's a cold cold world. Empty and hollowed.

And this time round, I can't run to you anymore if I failed. I've promised you. I missed you so much. I missed that pair of black eyes that shines and glows through the night when I look at you. I missed those wide smile. I missed your crowfeet eyes. I miss your warmthness, the burning flame of love passion that you always had when I'm around you. We were always better together. I knew I can't have all that anymore.

In peace, that's where you will be. I love you.

i just love paula abdul because she always tries her best not to hurt people's feelings

2009-03-08T17:38:00.006+08:00

i still cannot forget those super long hours conversations i had with khairul about money and investments which ended in hours, a few days ago. i really enjoyed it... damn i wish i can have more talks like that. a cup of teh tarik and, haha, conversations on money, monarchy, histories and religion alwayssss inspire me. hahaha

anyway, i really cannot wait for holly to come home. dear holly, i cut my hair and i dyed it black and i look skinnier now. i miss your company. please come home and don't take anymore donkey years. le'ts go ice skating/rollerblading/whatever whatever when you come home. just come home fasttttttttttttttttttt.

and yes people, i've got my prerogative rolling, laying, spreading straight on my pathway. i just love the smell of sweet freedom. and christie, stop wearing your bf's boxer high up your waist. you look like a sober drunkard retard okay? and ju biskot please stop/terminate any sad feelings you have about that dude? come on, i justttt told you right, life is too short to get sad over petty things.

p.s. i just realised that i cannot find my briefs/boxers anymore because they are buried under my big pile of clothes and my cupboard is small and dark. i wish i got narnia's. heh ok ok okkkkkkk random lah dey

i'm cravin for pizza sial ok bye

hollowed

2009-03-07T17:52:00.006+08:00

don't you think it is foolish to be holding on to something that will never turn out to be of what you always expected and believe in?

it does seems foolish, but at least i have reasons to always love you from far away. nobody, no one in this world can ever replace you. i hope god took pity on me, because time machine never existed.

i told myself that i let you go completely, but what's up with me? up to these days i still can't let you go. it is very hard. enough is enough. i must do something... even if it means by running far far away like a coward to somewhere only i know... my hidden private sanctuary. you must be laughing hard at me for being so hopeless.

bigfoot,
i will always wait for you.

i cannot let anyone in anymore. or else all i do will be substituting them for you, which is not fair and not genuine at all. they won't understand anyway. i'm gone, its hopeless.

i'm doing okay for these period of time.

struggling... somehow or rather.

i do know that if i carry on this way, it will only hurt my feelings on going but as i said, i lived for you. there is nobody there that believes me, loves me, or have faith in me just like you did back in those times.

i just missed it so much. i missed it so much that i have nobody to talk or turn on to which leads me to blogging. i don't believe in it anymore since i don't think it'd ever come my way again. even if it did, its there just to hurt me.

my life is in a mess. i'm really sorry to my parents for they bore a hopeless unfilial son. i'm sorry ibu. i really do. i miss you alot. you lost me... and i lost you.. eversince 12 years ago. it was never the same again. i know how much you are concern about my life, about being a good mom, but it never help. all you do was brag and nag how much burden i am, and it hurts me so much. it fucking hurt me. if you want me to care about your feelings, what about mine? you are being so conservative all the time. i know your life is hard on you, but you never did let it go didn't you? you never did. i know you very clearly. i'm sorry about your life. i really do. i miss you ibu. i just wished i could hug you and tell you how much i love you but it will never be the same again. and to you my dad, you cursed and swear me out of your life, but i still miss you. i didn't mean to cause alot of agony between you both. i apologised.

it's all a mistake.

i guessed the only way to live right now is to struggle and breathe harder. i'm still in my comfort zone though, so i got nothing to worry about.

its like moving mountains.

rise up

2009-03-05T10:41:00.002+08:00

oh man, finally, this is my 100th post. congratulations to me? yay? lol

to bigfoot,

i'm really glad you did spared me some time just to reply to my emails. and no, i never meant to be separated from you. i never wished to. the only thing i wanted was us to be together again, but i doubt it'll ever happened. i wish you were reading this. i wish you knew how i felt. i wish you would change your mind and still give me another chance so that we can be together. but i doubt it'll ever happened. not anymore. i don't understand why you make both of us seemed irreconcilable. you told me i'm forgiven, i knew i hurt your feelings. does karma really stays forever? i miss you. i love you. forever.

i have to keep my words. so now, its about upgrading myself to a better quality. adjust and modify, when i'm done, i'll be good as brand new. i've closed those doors already. life isn't all about love, and what's these talk about love? somehow i felt rather disgusted with myself, for making love such an important thing in my life when it could be ditched for awhile and focus on other significant things in life. but i'm all human baby. we all yearn, die, do silly things to satisfy our soul to the fullest of the desired. can't be blame much but we can control and ignore/avoid.

i have to learn how to say NO now. no to unsignificant creatures and their stupid desires. its not about them fucking shits anymore, its about me. its my time. so until then, i will keep on and on and on telling you and myself,

i'm gonna rise to the stars and you'll be the one watching me from just afar.

Angel

2009-03-04T23:29:00.002+08:00

I've got an angel
She doesn't wear any wings
She wears a heart that can melt my own
She wears a smile that can make me wanna sing
She gives me presents
With her presence alone
She gives me everything I could wish for
She gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home

She could make angels
I've seen it with my own eyes
You gotta be careful when you've got good love
Cause the angels will just keep on multiplying

But you're so busy changing the world
Just one smile and you can change all of mine
We share the same soul

jet fighter

2009-03-04T11:24:00.003+08:00

take a chance. get a grip. trust your instincts. fly

it's a good thing that i don't reapproach this feelings and they are no longer what i see or feel, who they are, it doesn't matter anymore. i let it go. i guessed i really did. it felt awkward already, boo.

and its too late for any justifications, i'm on my comfort zone now. time will get better, so run along.

many moons

2009-03-03T23:02:00.002+08:00

for now

fly kite. run around. eat chocolates. smile. be happy.

no more lieing to myself... i have to step out of my comfort zone for my own sake. its not going to be about other people anymore. its my time. mine.

hunt me down

2009-03-03T00:20:00.007+08:00

dear holly,

its the lunacy of jargon; the figure of speech which might or can be relate to if felt with passion and most sincerity of heart in depth.

i'm becoming aware of what is going on around me. but still, my heart and mind feels so poky, and yes, it could burst anytime, like a volcano so enraged, all seethed and excited to explode to sprawl up a big mess around beautiful nature and its fellow creatures.

there is something i would love to confess to you, of why this huge barrier is hanging us both not to be united as one soul, and its ultimately my fault. i invited you into my world and i left you hanging in doubts, which i wished i hadn't do. i wished you would have the power to read my minds for these moments and hoped you figured those confessions by yourself. but well, maybe i will just tell you myself once you are back from wherever you are. i'll miss you dearly.

so, how i'm living my life and principles has become a prill for me these days, with careful considerations and concerns from my own instincts, i tried to avoid the prickly pretty undoubtful situations. i do find it hard to breathe, sometimes i realised that i am even gasping to my own clothes to breathe for air. it's gone, oh, yes it's gone, it's so far away from me now. very far away, yet i could still sense its presence.

my soul are always screaming, through good and happy times, but, during bad times, surprisingly, it doesn't scream at all. it shut itself, though eager to be open up, but the darkness, was all that could be seen.

the light has weeped somewhere, and usually i come up to my own senses only in the morning where thoughts are rejuvenated and new ones starts stompering down my brain.

and to bigfoot,

had you not been helding on tighter, fought a little harder, been a little smarter to feel this love, i wouldn't feel like a loser. i agreed it was my fault to cause all those messy stirred up shits at that point of time. you wanted me to feel what you felt, but you have never held your hands and touch my chest. feel my heartbeat. it's running to the core, i am on fire, upon your soul, through the veins and my blood, i lived for you.

it's so insignificant for you to even find me again, though i have waited for you to be in my arms. us, simply equals to irreconcilable. you don't care anymore. you wouldn't give any chances for us to happen again. at all. sure it does. ask yourself. nah, don't bother, you prolly wouldn't fucking care at all. for these nightmares i have been sleeping with, since late summer of yesteryear, would you please come into the twilight and be with me. strike a conversation with me, smile at me, or just happily pick up where we just left before loud bang from my door and a voice asking me to wake up and have breakfast.

and boom, you disappeared until if, twilight shines again. i am sleeping under the silvery moon every night, you and you and you. it will always be you. it kills me. until the full moon shows up, let me have twilight, breathe against me, warm up my nights. let me hold you in my dreams, for the last time since its the only chance i got to feel again.

"the hardest part isn't finding what we need to be. it's being content with who we are."

i guessed in the end it will be time that will heal us, it won't let us down. you just need to rescue the train wreck, because its all yours

to my loverboy :

2009-03-02T19:50:00.000+08:00

Dear Jerry, you said you wanted me to fall in love again, and maybe one day I will. But there are all kinds of love out there. This is my one and only life, And its a great and terrible and short and endless thing, and none of us come out of it alive. I don't have a plan. Except, it's time my mom laughed again. She has never seen the world, she has never seen Ireland. So, I'm taking her back where we started. Maybe now she'll understand. I don't know how you did it, but you brought me back from the dead. I'll write to you again soon. P.S... Guess what?

maybe ive figured it out, and maybe ive yet to figure anything out at all. because you re a complicated person. you invite me in but then there's this slight barrier that seems to be keeping me out. buts that's okay. for now, its okay. either way, im going to pretty much miss you loverboy.

yours,
Holly.

P.S. I LOVE YOU

2009-03-01T16:25:00.003+08:00

i haven't even sleep since 7am just now. my head is spinning like hell and i'm officially in a state of paranoia.

its getting harder to breathe nowadays, it really is. sometimes i just wished i could murder myself. or vanish/banish/disappear in thin air to st. elsewhere. i'm really getting restless already. my life is in a mess. i look like shit now. i feel like one of those guys in survivor camp. darn it.

today, i just tear away your photograph into small pieces. you're not coming back to me yeah? sigh.

and today i discovered your new wordpress. i missed you. only god knows how happy i was to know that you're still alive, somewhere on planet earth. i missed you i missed you i missed you

bigfoot, je t'aime! always and forever

416 area code

2009-02-28T03:52:00.005+08:00

i would like to believe that i'm breathing harder and i'd tasted good life every single day, be it hardship or happiness but somehow the other side of me keeps on telling me, "no syahfik, you're actually dying deep down inside."

and they could go on yelling, "its rotten, broken, dirty, filthy"

"hail, the most high, i post high
i used to swing low, now i let the crabs know
that my antimatter is shattering any ladder
that's crawling with snakes, make no mistakes, we no fakes, wake up"

of course not, of course i'm not confused. i'm not denying anthing, i'm not. nobody believes me when i tell them there is so much to hide. its a strange lunatic crazy fucking freaking world

for not having faith in time, me, you and us - i can't say anything else more but one word, disappointing.

subliminal pro, i've got to go. plus i couldn't be the pound on your chest

i don't believe in preaching, its bullshit. i wanted to say fuck off to you, but it would simply just mean that i'm telling you to get lost, rudely. no, that wasn't intention. my intention was that, you would simply go away without the two damn words.

as easy as that.

"oohhh got stuck. oohh fly paper
i don't care, i don't care ..."

i sleep with your picture every night

2009-02-25T00:56:00.003+08:00

dear bigfoot

yes, you are still the one and only person i'd believe in. always and forever.
i miss you.

my heart aches everyday.
every single second
every single minute
every single hour
every single day
every single week
every single month
every single year

it has been 2 years, and i'm so happy that you are still the only one i believe in.
thank you my love, thank you for loving me so dearly. thank you

i wish you love

i wish you bluebirds,
in the springs
to give your heart,
a song to sing
and then a kiss
but more than this

i wish you love

and in july,
a lemonade
to cool you in some leafy glade
i wish you health
and more than wealth

i wish you love

my breaking heart
and i agree,
that you and i could never be
so with my best,
my very best,
i set you free

i wish you shelter,
from the storm
a cozy fire,
to keep you warm

but most of all
when snowflakes fall
i wish you love

but most of all
when snowflakes fall
i wish you love ...

these myths is a nu world

2009-02-23T03:42:00.004+08:00

basically, i am on my everyday affair now just rotting, bumming at 3:43am watching the biggest loser on channel 5 and patiently waiting for holly to come home. it felt like a million donkey years since i last had conversations with her on msn. and emily hasn't been here too; maybe she is spending more time bonding with holly instead, i guessed.

and jules, i've created a new friendster account but i still have not done anything to it. somehow i regret sia. you.made.me.do.it.on.impulse.and - i swear i got no idea why i created a new friendster account for myself. boooooo.

i need a jobbbbbbbb. dammit.! job job jobbbb. give me a fuckin job uh please? or 50 000 buckeroos under my bed by the next morning. heh that would be paradise

anyhoo... i need to get back on track. my gym sessions! i'm screwed somehow. its been a month since i hit the gym. i think i'm shapeless now. ha. i need buckeroooos man. i need to get my supplements! i really can't gym without supplements.

i wondered if hed kandi still produce nice good beach chillout music. haiya... i'm soooo going to hunt down for more nice music like hed kandi's. ok random.

okay... tettttttt...............fast forwarding..................

i've always know that by hook or by crook the only best solution is to be on my own, and i guessed i'm right, for now. at the end of the day, it doesn't matter, my crazy broken soul and mind can still and always will manage all these shit. i'll be doing it on my own, i want to stand up for myself. i don't care about any stupid shit anymore.

if its really about hotter boys and stolen sweethearts, then i'm really up for the challenge. and if i gonna make it through, consider my achievements as the biggest regret of your life. like... the best you never had. alright? ...okay...deal. great.

i'm a host of imperfections, i'm a perfect disaster... so just watch me make it rain

Starlight

2009-02-22T02:56:00.002+08:00

it will fade ... the feelings will slowly begins to fade and i will no longer yearn for your shortcomings.

i will be glad if i manage to overcome all this as soon as possible. as for now, sipping glasses of coffees after another and listening to Starlight is the best thing ever.

"my life, you electrify my life, let's conspire to ignite... all the souls that would die just to feel alive"

skitzo

2009-02-17T17:02:00.005+08:00

in the end, the one thats really gonna cry gonna sulk gonna admit its bullshit is me. me me me. its a real struggle, love sucks.

i finally decided that i cannot do these anymore. not anymore. i told faezah i'll get over you and not mentioned you anymore everytime i feel like shit and still i didn't do anything about it. so now, finally, i decided that it doesn't matter anymore cus by hook or by crook i have to stand up on my own 2 fuckin feets by myself and the whole lot fuckin truth is that there actually isn't any love around to help me fuckin do it. so no more okay, no more. not anymore. not for now.
love is out of the scene, out of the question, out of my world.

i'm done. gone going.

i don't care about you anymore. its time i do something about it and here it is now. its about my life, mine, not yours. i'll get over love, like i always do. i know i can do it. i sure do.

i'll do whatever it takes to ignore, avoid, forget about love love love. fuck love.

its a new dawn, a new day in my universe. by tomorrow or any other days, i will not see your name in between my verses. i will not listen to words of regret, i will painlessly ignore your remorse.

forget about my random confessions on you, it doesn't matter, you're still going to be confused. i am sick of telling you how much i want you and you just laughed about it all along. if you think you are fucking scared of being in love, why bother to make it come? stupid fuck. i'm here to take every risks i can to be with you, i am playing with the biggest fire that may destroy my own world, but you, you are too coward to prove to yourself that you are even worth your own love. you are bullshit. what do you want from me? go fucking get lost. go fuckin find someone else you can talk and text and tell him how much tired you have been the whole fuckin day after your everyday busy schedule of work. i can't do this anymore, i realised that you are just a waste of my time. you don't benefit me in anyway. can't you just understand that i don't want to be just a friend for you? i want to be someone special in your heart. someone that really matters much to you. maybe i am just too impatient with you. i guessed so. yes i am pissed, i am disappointed, but not at you, at myself, for being such a fuckin stupid cunt loser. i'm a sucker for love. i'm a sucker for you. or maybe i'm too paranoid. but i don't care anymore. i'm done anyway.

as i am typing this, i know this whole fucking thing could be just infatuations.
but who cares, i am moving on.

all i ever wanted was someone like bigfoot. and i saw it in you. but... i don't think it will ever happen. it never will. and i have to forget about you because you reminded me so much of bigfoot and it hurts so badly. it hurts fucking badly. all this while that i have been trying to avoid and ignore you, it's not because i want to, but because i have no choice. i hope you understand why now. your heart is just too beautiful, so beautiful it shines, glows and relights my whole entire universe, my whole world.

but well, it doesn't matter anymore. i have to go fix my own world on my own now.

i will rise to the stars, and you'll be the one watching me from just afar.

Scripted

2009-02-10T05:09:00.010+08:00

Dear bigfoot,

I began by counting the days, then the months.
I don't count on anything anymore except the hope that you will return, and the silent fear that in the years since we saw each other, this war, this awful war, will have changed us both beyond all reckoning.

When I first started to live with you and your love, I was so shy of how I looked, so out of place. But did you know how happy I was to escape from all the troubles that torments for the years of my life and knowing that you love me sincerely, accepting all my flaws with simply pure honesty?

My love, where are you? With no hope of reaching you, I write to you... as I have always done.

There are days now when I managed not to think of you.
When the needs of the home calls with more urgency than my miseries.
These time of the year there is so much life everywhere.
I find you in all of it.
As if you were still walking home to me.
As if you were still walking beside me.
As if you were laughing, giggling and smiling with your black eyes glowing, shining back at me.
I still smell your perfume, still very strong, still haunting me.
It felt like you're still here, your presence.
As if I just met you a few hours ago.

What we have lost will never be returned to us.
The land will not heal.
Too much blood.
The heart will not heal.
All we can do is make peace with the past and try to learn from it.

I looked once more at the puddle of water, and this time there was nothin' there to haunt me.
Just clouds.
Clouds,

and then... sun.

If you are fighting,

stop fighting.

If you are marching,

stop marching.

Come back to me.

Come back to me is my request.

don't

2009-02-04T22:40:00.003+08:00

if you don't like it, say you don't like it

if you don't want it, say you don't want it

don't - come and go as and when you like

you are being selfish just by doing that.

don't be a fool and hurt innocent sincere feelings

go, far far away and disappear from my world if you don't have faith in time, me, you and us

My saving grace

2009-02-03T23:30:00.004+08:00

The truth is the truth and the truth will not be called a truth if it doesn't tells the truth.

Finally, the truth decided to reveal itself to me. Everything that I need to know. It held me in surprise. Okay no, not really, more of a shock and disappointment. It's needless to be say, but you are really a much more of a bigger liar than I am. No wonder all those littlest thing really means nothing to you at all.

And to you bigfoot, my love, my one and only, the one that I still believes in,

I miss you and I always do. It's silly to think that you would come back to me, when I know it will never happen. I love you, forever. And as long as I'm still breathing and living on this Earth, you are my biggest regret ever. I sleep with you, with your name and your warmth, your presence still lingers. Your spirit, I can still hear your voice. I can hear you calling my name out so beautifully. It hurts deep inside somehow. I'm sure you're having a good time of your life, since I assumed that you changed to adapt into your new world. I just wish that I could have you back - The old you. But I know, a wish is called a wish because the truth is they never come true.

Baby I can feel your halo, pray it won't fade away.

salt and pepper action

2008-12-30T05:29:00.007+08:00

i have decided what to do on new year's eve; for being very naughty this year, as a punishment, i will stay at home and be a very good young man. errrrr and partly because i am

b-r-o-k-e.

so christie, haha i guessed i will join you to rot and stone in front of MSN and our own T.V tomorrow. lol

hee well i thought it would be a good start for new year's resolutions alsooooo.

i want to be reborn again - fresher, newer, better, stronger. empowered and rejuvenated. it has been a crazy, disappointing year. i have done too much damaged on myself and i realised that i gotta do something since as i grow up, i need to be mentally prepared to become a very fine young man and not become any kind of useless leech to the society. (of course, that will never happen, i always knew when to draw a line)

i have thought of changing my cell number and my email address. i just like the idea. i am not saying that i am running away from my past or anything, i just want to let everything go and keep on moving, with great peace and no regrets.

i want to be more knowledgeable. i want to learn new things. from politics to cultures, food, histories, people, new words, whatever good stuff the world have. i have always wanted to pick up a new language to learn. how about french, the luv language? or spanish, the sexay lingua? heh yesss my blog. you heard me. hee. and i want to redye my hair again mannn. ok random. and yes, find a job. darn

and of course, stay effortlessly independent. (well who doesn't want to have a companion to love and share happiness with, but hey, if it's not coming, so be it then. no rushing needed. maybe the 'companion' has always been there and we're just too blind to see it. or maybe we are bound to be happier alone and just enjoy extremely wonderful life with our loving family and close friends.)

to hell with people who doesn't accept you for who you are. to hell to those that cheats and ditched you. to hell to those that ignored you. to hell to those who doesn't love you. to hell to those who have made your whole life a living hell. to hell to those who makes fun of you. to hell to those who have made you felt so low in your whole life. to hell to those who have hurt you.

we don't need them. they are u.g.l.y monsters.

no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. no one. nobody.

fuck those black hearts. huh black whattt? hearts? urmmm, do monsters have hearts in the first place? boooo. stupid fucking creatures.

ok stop stop stopppppppppp stoppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp stoppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp.

now smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

:]

we have to be happy, remember? don't forget. hehehe x]

okay my dear blog, i am so hungry and tired now. i want my breakfastttttttttttttttt! it's 6.31am now. who wants egg cake, cheese fries, hot sausages, baked beans and a cup of good ol coffee? hahahah no christie, not your decaf starbucks coffee of course.

sounds veryyyyyyyyy super appetizing to me :]

chao bella.

Poppycock

2008-12-28T22:32:00.004+08:00

and so it is.

by the end of the day, it doesn't matter. i will still lay some bad impressions to people. they took me so lightly that they put me in a position of all those people they have met before in their lives. it's quite disappointing at how people respond to logicness these days. i called it typical thinking.

they want to protect themselves, but whether or not they are aware that they are reeling people's feelings now and then, its one hell of a good question. don't you think its unfair for the other party? you stole somebody's world, and left that somebody hanging like an idiot with full of (false) hopes.

you know it, and i reminded you, i am not like (any of) him.

i've been watching your world from afar. i've been trying to be where you are. i've been secretly falling apart.

was it not portentous enough for you? what is it that you wanted?

i am quite fine myself being alone here, just don't touch my soul if you knew you can't do it at all. go away, far far away from me, from my world, so that we both can save our own lifes from this growing punched-drunk love epidemic.

i'll draw a line for you.

put a spell - it will be as if we both never existed, i promised you.

the waves of pain that had only lapped at me now, reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under.

sometimes when i run, my anger rages. sometimes i just want to punch you so hard till you fall and collapsed in my own imaginations. i'm the catalyst, baby.

well i don't have to worry i guess, cus we're just humans anyway - our memory is no more than a sieve. time heals all wounds for our kind

let it go, spread the love

of why superhuman can never be called an a.n.g.e.l

2008-12-06T00:53:00.003+08:00

strike 1: beware of the d-o-g

strike 2: knowing when to trust and knowing when to cut your ties

and strike 3:

y-o-u l-o-s-e

exhaustion

2008-12-05T03:12:00.020+08:00

"There is one thing you have that I lack.

The one thing I long for more than anything else

because it is the one thing that I can never have."

Why do I have to fly
Over every town up and down the line?
I'll die in the clouds above
And you that I defend, I do not love

I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind

Where will I meet my fate?
Baby I'm a man, I was born to hate
And when will I meet my end?
In a better time you could be my friend

I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind
Wouldn't mind it
If you were by my side
But you're long gone
Yeah you're long gone now

Where do we go?
I don't even know
My strange old face
And I'm thinking about those days
And I'm thinking about those days

I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind
Wouldn't mind it
If you were by my side
But you're long gone
Yeah you're long gone now

p.s. i had a bad dream and you're all that i have been missing.

a.n.g.e.l

2008-12-01T07:25:00.003+08:00

2006...

2007...

2008...

1st december 2008, Monday.

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but it does pass. Even for me.

It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for the air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.

And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain - the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending the wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head - but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it.

Whatever it was that had happened that time - and whether it was their words, the adrenaline, the dreams, or the hallucinations that were responsible - it had woken me up.

For the first time in a long time, I didn't know what to expect in the morning.

I wondered how long this could last. Maybe someday, years from now, if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it - I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. And, if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow me to do that, I was sure that I would be grateful for as much time as you had given me. More than I'd asked for, more than I'd deserved. Maybe someday I'd be able to see it that way.

But what if this hole never got any better? If the raw edges never healed? If the damage was permanent and irreversible?

You changed my whole life. I don't know what you did to me with your love.

As if you had never existed.

I thought in despair. What a stupid and impossible promise to make! You could steal my pictures and reclaim your gifts, but that didn't put things back the way they'd been before I had met you. The physical evidence was the most insignificant part of the equation. I was changed, my insides altered almost past the point of recognition. Even my outsides look different - my face sallow. I probably looked closer to a zombie.

As if you had never existed? That was insanity. It was a promise that you could keep, a promise that was meant to be broken by me as soon as we made it.

I have to let you go and hopefully, my very own superhuman would come and rescue me.

us boys we are so magical

2008-11-26T03:54:00.004+08:00

it keeps gettin' better. definitely, all the time, always.

yeah eversince o levels started i have been tellin faizal that i am goin to get a job during the last few papers of o levels but till now, all i did was rot and bum like a lazy arsehole every single fuckin day. okay not really, put aside those 3 weeks(close to a month already i think) of non stop partyin and clubbin, i did have absolute fun.
and yes f u n

i meant it.

i'm blessed and cursed at the same time. it sucks to bump into you for the first time in the club. it felt so wrong. it felt so right. hmm. sentosa and blablabla, gym sessions with you and hafiz, rot and chillax anywhere we find comfortable ok dang. its all wrong to love you. sometimes i'm super disgusted and disappointed with you and your behaviour, but i can't blame you cus you have been holding on to your life for what it has been for years i supposed. yeah definitely it can never happen. and i wouldn't want to be with you cus i knew somehow one is going to get hurt fuckin badly. i just think that you suck so badly sometimes, exception of those cute face that you make when you're sad or sulking which is inevitable. okay busok face. heh

and thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnn the second week of non stop clubbin was a new and interestin experienced. i kissed a fuckin cute sexy girl and i hope her boyfriend doesn't mind. i kissed a girl and i liked it, (it taste of her cherry chopstick). heh heh

and third week, at st. james, it draines me out already. ok boo.

i can't wait to party again this saturday and james wanted to go zouk. hmm.

i need a job so fuckin badly so that i can get a dlsr, a new cellphone and a brand nu lappy. and of cus, more good life to come. come come, pour some sweet suga on me. fuck to those who's enviable and worthless. i'm switchin gears, movin more faster. better. harder. stronger. i am on top of the world (:

spread the luv people

deep inside

2008-11-24T20:38:00.003+08:00

"perhaps the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak"

you are my only remedy. the cure to my everyday sorrows and painful swelling of the broken heart. i'm all down to bits of pieces yet they think i am stronger, harder than the earth's crust.
i love you, why oh why must we be so far apart. don't pretend that you don't feel cus i know deep inside, or maybe, i just wished that you would think about me, that's all i am wishing for.

you never came back, you never will and that will be my biggest regret in my whole life. i am sorry for hurting you, deep inside. i would die just to see you again. i had never been sleeping in peace eversince 2 years ago and my heart aches everyday.

i don't know why you are just the only one that i could never let go at all until now. i will remember you, forever will.

always, with love.

jalapeno.

clarifications

2008-11-10T00:32:00.002+08:00

you don't mean nothing at all to me

rollin wit shiny impalla

2008-11-07T13:11:00.005+08:00

the malay paper i retook wasn't that bad. it was a-okay. i'm hopin for A1. heh. went home wit nana and i promised her that we'll hunt fo jobs soon. damn. i could almost taste the sweetness of good life. just wait till the 11th (last paper) and there you go, i'm all set to be free.

i fuckin don't give any fuck anymore. you're out of my life already. you were on my league but you just lost yourself. i think you are feeling-less. sadly but true, you're the only idiot that couldn't understand me. boohoo. i strongly believe that you took me for granted and i was your keeper. you can curse me all you want for this but yeah. i am your big time arsehole. and if you think you spend much money on me, you better think again cus i have never bring up about all the good times we gone through. you are crap. be it anythin that you're gonna spill to the floor, its all your mess baby. ain't messin my time with shits. i got me going all these times also, so nothin is goin to hinder that progress i'm ridin. i'm switchin gears, movin faster. i haven't feel the need yet to regret upon leavin you, maybe it'll come, maybe it won't. oh well, let's just see. it was a good relationship, but it doesn't seem like a permanent one. you are a nice person generally but yes, i'm glad that i left you. i seriously did.

i don't give any hoots about people who loathes me. you got your reasons to think what you feel, and you are not goin to destroy the path i'm goin to walk on, no. but you can try me if you're quite the stubborn breed. that's a done deal there.

this is my blog and i have every right to speak my mind out since its just going to fade in time. other than that, if offended, please deal it within you and your mind. sincerest.

away

2008-11-04T08:38:00.004+08:00

i was lookin back at those pictures in my photo folder and i saw a few very great memories and friends that i miss. haha all those good times, i can never forget them!

and this was during halloween last week. sheilaaaaaaaaaaaa! sayang kau giler babi. remember when we were so crazy at work last 2 years with the rest? hahaha working was extremely fun!

ah ni lagi best. airport and the lamestttt jokes and riddles anyone could come up with. somerset parapet and camwhorin like nobody's business under the bright lights and hahahaha, and kala! haha ingat tak sheryna? lol. kene kejar ngan 3 anjing besar? best kape. takut ade. kelakar pun ade. hahahaha macam orang giler sial. lepas tu kene marah ngan kak tipah sebab terrr-lambat sampai? hahaha rindu korang siaaa

naddie! peterpan. ariel. ayam penyet. resto. ria. videoezy. canadian pizza. toysrus. ntuc. gym. rock ah lu!

good times! hell jyeah people!!! :) haha thanks ah, i was super drunk and you guys camwhored using my cellphone? lol

of course, who would forget mira? the best ex girlfriend anyone could ask for!

sunrise

2008-11-02T06:14:00.015+08:00

this feels like teh coldest day in a hurricane, lookin tru da window glass. Teh sun ain't teh only thang thats shinin'. nu day, nu luv, glistenin tru teh walls of ma room. wooweee!

suuuweeeettt.

happy 18th to my bro, my dawg, my homey, wan faris!

bless you and your angel chic, bro! hahaha. gotta see you soon mahn!

i swear i cannot recalled whatever happened on thursday thou but friday was an a-awesumm. initially da plan of tgif was to hit zouk wif naddie and luvs fo hell-oh-win but we ain't got no jizz fo clubbin since moolah was quite a problem for us. so home it shall be, to rot till we bcome fossilz. haah. sheila gave a called at about 7 and ask to come out fo some luv with em dawgs. so jyeah i met em in town.

sheila baby, ur the greatest thang on earth. einn too. i luv u both. u sweet sweet people. and then...bla bla bla bla bla (fast forwarddddddddddddd) dgfghertufusdhffhsdgf - home sweet home again.

more rottin's till 3 and zul called. more talks on gym and stuff. it was quite informative and interestin. thanks fo the talk dawg. can't wait to hit the gymmm againnnnn. and zouk out(maybe) herrre i cumm baby! haha and then, i had some bullshitz crap talkin wif chipmunk (hahahaha) till bout 7am and hibernation time.

i miss amanina zafirah chua meili big time! i hope you're all good and fine baby.

i can't wait fo all these to be done. one by one, i can happily strike it out wuts on the list. soon, its all back to square one, but, wise moves this time, definitely. the sexiest happenin stories are bout to hit my life, so bless, or can't wait to be bless. phew. spread some luv, world :)

broken strings

2008-10-30T01:16:00.000+08:00

gone.

Like an apparation, you don't seem real at all

2008-10-27T06:04:00.002+08:00

Your stare swallows me. And I can hardly breathe. I feel it's dangerous, could be deadly. Somehow I'm willing to do the things you want. Take me in your arms, spoon-feed my heart and drip by drip. I'll take it all. Sip by sip. I guess that it's make or break. Here and now.

We're caught in a moment. And I won't let it go. I am falling deeper, losing my control. Involved in a feeling, like the blink of a eye. And the silence; it belongs to you and I.

Broke through barriers, and passed a state of mind. I'm not scared no more; it feels divine. So take me in and catch me when I fall. I'm waiting on the edge, uncut my soul. Snip by snip. I'm oozing it bit by bit. I'm taking it step by step. Here and now.

Secretly, I let it slip. Emotional, I fall through it. All I know I'm losing my control. I'm down, your way too far and there's no turning back. And now, I'm shedding all my fears. I know, I know.

Twilight

2008-10-27T05:13:00.005+08:00

"I was afraid... because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't stay with you. And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should." I looked down at his hands as I spoke. It was difficult for me to say this aloud.

"Yes," he agreed slowly. "That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest."

I frowned.

"I should have left long ago," he sighed. "I should leave now. But I don't know if I can."

"I don't want you to leave." I mumbled pathetically, staring down again.

"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."

"I'm glad."

"Don't be!" He withdrew his hand, more gently this time; his voice was harsher than usual. Harsh for him, still more beautiful than any human voice. It was hard to keep up - his sudden mood changes left me always a step behind, dazed.

"It's not only your company I crave! Never forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." He stopped, and I looked to see him gazing unseeingly into the forest.

I thought for the moment.

"I don't think I understand exactly what you mean - by that last part anyway," I said.

He looked back at me and smiled, his mood shifting yet again.

"How do I explain?" he mused. "And without frightening you again... hmmmm." Without seeming to think about it, he placed his hand back in mine; I held it tightly in both of mine. He looked at our hands.

"That's amazingly pleasant, the warmth." He sighed.

A moment passed as he assembled his thoughts.

"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors?" he began. "Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?"

I nodded.

"Sorry about the food analogy - I couldn't think of another way to explain."

I smiled. He smiled ruefully back.

"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of a hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac - and filled the room with its warm aroma - how do you think he would fare then?"

We sat silently, looking into each other's eyes - trying to read each other's thoughts.

He broke the silence first.

"Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead."

"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" I teased, trying to lighten the mood.

He smiled swiftly, seeming to appreciate my effort.

"Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin."

caught in the moment

2008-10-25T22:37:00.002+08:00

broken.

it seems like i am falling deeper than i am supposed to. i have never felt this cold. frozen. the mirrors are my worst enemies, its like as if the person staring back at me could jump out and attack me.

you have become my biggest obsession ever. my heart cries every night, squeezed out like a lemon so dried out of its own zest juice.

sleepless nights and i don't see the silvery moon anymore, i wondered where it has gone to. you are still not in my twilight, though i have long to feel your pale sweaty cold soft hands like i've used to touch before. reminisces doesn't help much, it's draining me out more, torturing and sucking up soul like a dementor would, in a dark corner of an alley. no matter how much i yearned for you, it doesn't matter, it won't make any difference at all.

you will be my edward cullen, my starlight, the bigfoot.

lullabies for the fledgeling

2008-10-24T02:06:00.008+08:00

the lunacy of jargon; the figure of speech which might or can be relate to if felt with passion and most sincerity of heart in depth.

i'm becoming aware of what is going on around me. but still, my heart and mind feels so poky, and yes, it could burst anytime, like a volcano so enraged, all seethe and excited to explode to sprawl up a big mess around beautiful nature and its fellow creatures.

how i'm living my life and principles has become a prill for me these days, with careful considerations and concerns from my own instincts, i tried to avoid the prickly pretty undoubtful situations. i do find it hard to breathe, sometimes i realised that i am even gasping to my own clothes to breathe for air. it's gone, oh, yes it's gone, it's so far away from me now. very far away, yet i could still sense its presence.

my soul are always screaming, through good and happy times, but, during bad times, surprisingly, it doesn't scream at all. it shut itself, though eager to be open up, but the darkness, was all that could be seen.

the light has weeped somewhere, and usually i come up to my own senses only in the morning where thoughts are rejuvenated and new ones starts stompering down my brain.

had you not been helding on tighter, fought a little harder, been a little smarter to feel this love, i wouldn't feel like your keeper. you want me to feel what you felt, but you have never held your hands and touch my left chest. feel my heartbeat. it's running to the core, i am on fire, upon your soul, through the veins and my blood, i lived for you. it's so insignificant for you to even find me again, though i have waited for you to be in my arms. us, simply equals to irreconcilable. sure it does. ask yourself. ah, don't bother, you prolly wouldn't fucking care at all. for these nightmares i have been sleeping with, since late summer of yesteryear, would you please come into the twilight and be with me. strike a conversation with me, smile at me, or just happily pick up where we just left before loud bang from my door and a voice asking me to wake up and shower. and boom, you disappeared until if, twilight shines again.

i am sleeping under the silvery moon every night, you and you and you. it will always be you. it kills me. until the full moon shows up, let me have twilight, breathe against me, warm up my nights.

time will heal us, it won't let us down. rescue the train wreck, its all yours

Thunder

2008-10-20T23:20:00.002+08:00

do you know that you're unlike any other?

i'm still your biggest fan after all these months, i don't think that will ever change in any time soon. i don't know what to do. i dabbed with it, i deserved it. whatever they told me about you, i'm always trying to deafen up my pair of ears. why? it's becoming haywire and i'm going super crazy for you though i know this phrase right here is fucking cliche.

i fucked up everything, still. no matter what is it, i will never be with you. yeah you. the one with the brightest eye color, lighting up my entire universe.

i am not someone who can ever be tamed, even if so, it wouldn't last long. i'll be running here and there like a wild horse, trying to find cosy spaces to settle down while looking for good food to eat on my own, forgetting the fact that my loved one is running at the back, trying to catch up with me. seconds turns to minutes to hours to days to weeks to months and i was still searching for a beautiful bright sunny day, with beautiful rainbow appearing in the bright skies.

my heart will always be hollow, running out of depths for sweet miseries to fill in, they dripped down from the cracks and bathed my sinful skin. i will be that difficult boy who can never be pour with sweet miseries, hence it's becoming a norm for me to avoid the people and their jugs of sweet miseries as not all of their jugs contain sweet miseries.

you can called me whatever you think i should be called upon, you have every rights to judge me. i am your loser, since i've failed to see you as a whole, whatever you are made of. i appreciated you the way you are, i respected you as a beautiful person. i apologised that it turned out to be this way.

i'm always missing your presence everyday, and your voice will be the soundtrack of my summer

till the song goes off

2008-09-13T20:25:00.006+08:00

don't hijack a lamborghini if you don't know how to drive. not playing hard to get but that's just the way it should be.

there's something i regret, some words i wish had gone unsaid, some starts that had bitter ending. been some bad times i've went through, damages i cannot undo. some things i wished i could do all over again but it don't matter. life gets that much harder, it makes you that much stronger. some pages torned, some brigdes burnt, in return, some lessons learnt. and every tears that have fallen from my eyes, i wondered how i'd get through every night of the miseries. every changes that life has thrown to me, i'm thankful. for every break in my heart, i'm grateful for every pain that scarred my soul. there's mistakes i made. some chances i blew away. some roads i never should have taken, been some signs i didn't see. hearts that i hurt needlessly, some wounds that i wish i could have one more chance to mend but it won't make any differences.

the past can't be rewritten, you get the light you're given. and all the things that breaks you are all the things that makes you stronger. you can't change the past, cause it's gone. and you just gotta move on and that's makes you and i, a tougher fighter. either a mystery remain unfold, or a history forever retold.

this is life. admit it.

once, there was an island where all the feelings lived; Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all the others, including Love.

One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So all the feelings prepared their boats to leave. Love was the only one that stayed. She wanted to preserve the island paradise until the last possible moment. When the island was almost totally under, Love decided it was time to leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help.

Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat. Love asked, "Richness, Can I come with you on your boat?" Richness answered, " I'm sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you anywhere."

Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a beautiful vessel.
Love cried out, "Vanity, help me please!"

"I can't help you", Vanity said, "You are all wet and you will damage my beautiful boat."

Next, Love saw Sadness passing by.
Love said, "Sadness, please let me go with you."

Sadness answered, "Love, I'm sorry, but, I just need to be alone now."

Then, Love saw Happiness.
Love cried out, " Happiness, please take me with you."

But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn't hear Love calling to him.

Love began to cry.

Then, she heard a voice say, "Come Love, I will take you with me."

It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name.

When they arrived on land the elder went on his way. Love realized how much she owed the elder.
Love then found Knowledge and asked, "Who was it that helped me?"
"It was Time", Knowledge answered.
"But why did Time help me when no one else would?", Love asked.

Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

wet nest day, 7th May 2008

2008-09-08T03:15:00.005+08:00

dear angel,

I want to tell you that you belong to me and i meant it. its been 4 months since the fire sparks. i love you like fucking crazy and you better do the same or i'm going to rape you. i missed you alot baby, especially these few days. we are super busy with whatever we are doing but nothing will diminish our sweet love. i don't want to lose you and i don't want you to fade away. when i told you i love you, i meant it crystal clear. no other person can take my breath away except for you baby. see how you mean to me? alot alot alot, you know. i love being yours and i enjoyed you being mine. you are never a burden in my heart, not one bit at all.

you're perfect, in every single way. so perfect it makes me scared to lose you from my life, i'm sorry if i ever hurt you deep but i love you too much to see that you mean everything to me.

you opened my eyes to things i hardly knew, things i don't understand and you are never tired of the questions i asked you every now and then about them latter. you teached me about the real world, and how not to fall onto the bad traps. sometimes we both cannot deny the fact that we just hate each other for some stupid moments about things we objected against each other and later on, we just got back as per normal and pour i love yous like its never gonna stop spilling onto nowhere. hahaha :] everytime we had little little tiffs, you teached me love, patience and sincerity.

i hope as our relationship gets deeper and meaningful, we grow wonderfully around each other. Muacks! i'm not sure about people with cliche issues regarding the quote 'too early to say' but from the moment i saw and fall for you in 1st april 2008, i knew that we're gonna stick with each other for a long long longggggggggggg time.

each and everytime you spins away from me, it feels like eternity to me. i am just a human with imperfections baby, so pardon me for my flaws. i fucking love you MFBM. i'm all yours, time and time, over and over again, i'll always tell you, cus i do love you and you know it. i swear its true.

"feelings are time travellers; just because we're growing older, it doesn't mean it'll go away"

Undiscovered

2008-07-29T21:31:00.002+08:00

4Am and xxxxx calls me since I'm still wide awake.

"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? I don't love xxxxxxx. xxxxx is not my cup of tea."

Preluded.

At a time, in situations
When you want a thing more than you should. You would fall. You would crumble. By picking up the pieces from the storm

That was when you said, "You least expect it"
That was when you asked, "How did we get this far?"
So far.
That was when I wanted to correct it but I guess there's nothing wrong with being wrong, at all

I can't do it any other way. Repeat.. I'd do it all the same way. And I won't justify. One more time. And I can't do it any other way, repeat every single word we said And it's fine to complicate it. Complicated it's all I've ever known. I was there. Did you see me?frozen in a flash put on the wall.

Now is when I guess, "I least expect it"
But I will never ask, "How did we get this far?"
My God.

Even if I doubt for just a second. I can still find the right in being wrong. So wrong

So yeah, we walked through the doors, so accusing their eyes. Like they have any rights at all to criticise. Hypocrites.

You're all here for the very same reasons.

Baby look,

Cause you can't jump on the track, we're like cars on the cable. And life's like an hourglass, glued onto the table. No one can find the rewind button, baby. So cradle your head on your hands, just breathe.

"Just a day. Ain't been sober since October of last year."

Strange.

Here in my eyes, i can tell you've been down for awhile but my god, it's so nice to see when you smiles. I wish to hug you. But maybe I'll just write about it.

There's a light at each end of the tunnel and I shouted cus I thought I was just as far in as I'll ever be out. And these mistakes I've made, I'll prolly just make them again.

If only I try turning around and see. Now, you can't be found.

If i get them down on these spaces, its no longer inside of me. Threatening the life it belongs to. I feel naked in front of the crowd. Because this words in my blog, are screaming out loud. And i know you'll use them, however you want to.

But you can't jump on the track, still.

There's something here. In a way, in the way that we're moving. Reminiscents. So, you've taken these pills. Just to fill up your fucking soul. And you're drinking them down with cheap alcohol. And I might be inclined to be yours, for the taken. And part of this mess that you're making, but me, I'm the catalyst.

my wake up call baby? i missed perfections.

When you say love is a simple chemical reaction, cannot say I agree. Because my chemical, yeap, they left me a beautiful disaster.

Still, love is all i see. mad about you, but now, you can't be found. you were the first for everything. unconditional

So now, I'm taking these pills to fill up my soul. And I'm drinking them with cheap alcohol. And you'd be inclined to be mine for the taking, you're part of this terrible mess that I'm making but you, you're the catalyst. You'll be the thing. You'll be the pain. You'll be the star. You'll be the road, rolling below the wheels of a car. And all the thoughts, oh god, don't know if I'm strong now.

You'll be the catalyst.

Do you wanna go? Still wanna go?

luvv sounds

2008-07-27T23:36:00.001+08:00

i miss you so much

wonderful life

2008-07-22T20:29:00.003+08:00

let's face it- english is a crazy language

there is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. english muffins weren't invented in england or french fries in france. sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

we all took english language for granted. but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from guinea nor is it a pig, people.

and why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? if the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? one goose, two geese. so, one moose, two meese? one index, two indices?

doesn't it seems crazy and ridiculous that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? if you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

if teachers taught, why didn't the preachers praught? if a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? if you write a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

sometimes, i think all the english speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. in what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? ship by tuck and send cargo by ship? have noses that run and feet that smell? park on driveways and drive on parkways?

how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are just the opposites? how can overlook and oversee be opposites, while a quite a lot and quite a few are alike? how can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

have you notices that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? met a sung hero or experienced requited love? have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly, or peccable? and where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?

you have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

english was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). that is why, when stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. and why, when i wind up my watch, i start it, but when i wind up this essay, i ended it.

Speeding Cars

2008-07-20T23:54:00.003+08:00

Cus none of us were angels and you know I love you yeah

flavors of entanglement

2008-07-06T02:59:00.003+08:00

whatever happens to them eh? whatever happens, i wonder

ahh, geez i have been busy with school. my god, yes i have. loads of upcomings, examinations round the corner, artefact dateline, tests, bla bla bla. well is it a good sign of getting stressed out with something important eh? shikes. anyway my priorities are all set up for the better, and i loved it. a hiatus is gonna come.

this life.

i do not understand what the fuck you have been thinking at all. if you think that is the best reasons you got, i shall let you be then. maybe you need to fall first. maybe you do. rain or shine, i am still here to hold you through, if you cannot hold on because we all missed you. we do.

seriously, pedro the plain ol boy has nothing to blog about. i'm boring, bleagh.
i love babyboo and that's that. period :]

syn>thesis

2008-06-18T00:17:00.009+08:00

this contiguity of a loco:motion have been recovered, back to its own provenance, finally, more gratifications achieved

raison d'etre. why things happened the way it wants to be. of lies, risks and consequences, gone. it's all clear, you're always here. i was in a total rackety by my wild imaginations. icycold. get me out of here!

so you did, eventually. you warmth me up like you always did. looking into your eyes just now, it was always full of hopes. looking at you, it melts down every ounce of anger i have and i just want to pull you beside me and hug you as tight as i could and never let you go. i was so pressured, you know better, i mean, yeah i'm quite slow when it comes to learning that subject.

yesss, transmogrification, that's what it has lead us to, but lucky, for all those negative transcience degraded in less than hours. our colloquy, it evolves and electrified, sure do, i love how we managed it. oh mahn. i love you baby

congrats to dan who won the best design at the fashion show just now, sorry i couldn't attend though, and boolart! that text message was a total suprised. woohoo! i'm so happy and glad. no more drifting-apart-shit-journeys olright? there's loads to catch up with. heehee, can't wait to see you and syila soon. faezah, thanks for being there for me all these while. you have always been apart of me okay? no worries love, still my bestfriend. and nad, thanks alot for the advises, if its not for you i won't be blogging telling the world how much i love my baby!

oh my, i have babyboo, a few bestfriends, a bunch of good friends. i feel like i'm in a candyshop! teehee ok ped mentel

our hopes and expectations. something to consider and ponder about, at the same time, never ever let any millimetres of your d to the r to the e to the a to the m to the s fly away. and i'm saying this, every little pit stop you had for your own journey, of course, in the end, leads you to your final destination.

"yes, life is freaking unfair and there's nothing you can do about it", food for thought, or maybe just words. hehh spread some luvv, people!

xoxo archduke

comfortably numb

2008-06-16T01:54:00.002+08:00

i found this random bulletin from niny's blog and i thought of doing it since it has been ages since i last did one. SINCE. lol here it goesss

45 Stupid Questions!

1. Do you want to grow old with someone or be single?
- hell yes i would want to grow old with someone i love!

2. What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
- sleeping like a pig

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
- hogging with babyboo

4. What was something that happened to you in 1990?
- urm when in 1990? well one possible reason i could provide is the year that i've first saw the world

5. If you were stranded on an island with the person you loved and
fucking lots of foods what would you do?
- stay there forever ah sia!!!! duh? babyboo, what you say? :P

6. When someone catches your eye, do you try to make eye contact or avoid it?
- avoid. like i always do. mp but true heheheheh

7. What color is your hairbrush?
- no hairbrushes. they are for pussies

8. What was the last thing you bought?
- darn oh i bought some jeans

9. How do u know when your in love?
- when you feel the chemistry and the trust

10.Have you been to Australia?
- yesss?

11. where do you keep your money?
- bank/atm/wallet/under the bed

12. Have you traveled outside the country?
- yupp

13.Do you wish you were back together with any of your exes?
- no because right now the happiest thing ever to happen in my life is babyboo [:

14. Do you like peanut butter?
- gives me jelloo

15. What is your motto on love?
- patience is virtue

16. The thing you love about relationships?
- accept mistakes, patience, sincerity, sharing, honest

17. The thing you love about beingsingle?
- partay partay partay! and lotsa booze

18. Would you give up a dream for someone you loved?
- no! dreams are hard to catch!

19. do you wanna cut your hair?
- yes please!

20. Are you over the age of 18?
- haa legal soon. teehee

21. do you talk a lot?
- ok lah macam paknenek

22. do you watch The O.C.?
- sial lah. i cried when coop died ok? nabei cibei. see how fanatic i am. lol

23. Does your screen name have an "x"in it?
- no

24. do you know anyone named Kelsey?
- ok lah, my neighbour has a dog name kelsey

25. Favorite ice cream?
- chocolate

26. Favourite chocolate?
- cadburyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

27. Are you typically a jealous person?
- well, not really

28. Is there such thing as a perfect relationship?
- noo, there's alot of struggle you have to go through. i learnt that you have to believe in yourself, and then your love one.

29. Name a friend whose name startswith the letter "N"?
- nurfaezah ramli buang. nyehehee

30. Who's the last person to call you?
- babyboo.

31. last magazine you bought?
- men's folio?

32. Do you chew on your straws?
- sometimes lah

33. Do you have curly hair?
- wavy

34. Can you dance like a chicken?
- cannn. po pok kehhh po pokk kehh

36. Last concert?
- tipah live at the esplanade!

37. What is something you say a lot?
- "b" lol

38. Favorite colour?
- yellow makes me happy

39. Do you know where's your mom?
- bukak pintu, walk straight, turn kanan, stop at the first pintu, ketuk pintu, masuk, walk straight, go to the bed and there you have it, my very own top model. lol oh btw its 2.10am right now. mom's asleep. sshhh don't make noise hehh

40. Missing anybody now?
- yessssssssss babyboo!

41. Who was the last person you said I love you to?
- babybooooooooooo!

42. what should you be doing right now?
- showering, eating, sleeping beside babyboo!

43. Do you have a nickname?
- ped, apit, fik, muhammad, and handsome. lol

44.Are you a heavy sleeper?
- i can sleep for almost a whole day. and bomb meletup pun tak bangun siak

45. Is there anyone you like right now?
- yes. addicted to babyboo

mirage

2008-06-15T03:31:00.009+08:00

so, singapore lost? 2-0? so much for fifa world cup 2010. geez, okay at least them boys deserved some credits for all teh hardworks. good job dawg dawgs

it's 3.22am right now and hell yes i can't sleep. thought i could ramble abit of shet in here for awhile. we hanged up the phone at about 1am plus and babyboo went to sleep. i told babyboo that i'm going to sleep slightly early today but i guessed you're the one who ended up sleeping earlier than me. ha.. i love you sweetheart (: i watched a disney movie at channel 5 titled "holes". it's actually an interesting movie, well to get in details i recommend you guys to download or review it yourself. and yeah, i ended up watching "holes"

waney told me she misses me. i'm glad. i missed her. i miss my bestfriend. well used to be bestfriend? hmm i duno. i'm going to see her and syila soon. woohoo powerr ok

speaking of which, i haven't been hearing from the 2 human eversince donkeycowxzz years. oh you two!(dan,rizzy), where have you guys been? grrwrr! and lately tipah have been so busy with all the pressures she's getting. oh tipah love, i hope things will get real better for you soon enough though. i felt so mirthless without you guys, not really lah, with babyboo around at least it brightens up my day, but, i mean, we need to do lot more merrymaking you guys. ice skate, karaoke, and darn, that beef wrap i've been craving for at al-majlis. sheesha, whatever gets us goin crazy yaw. come on mahnn, when are we hittin them places? what else ehh. yeah and stoning sessions with experimented fraps and coffees at you-know-where. i know, this is where mr. cash jumps in into the situation. money talks. i'm broke. are you broke too? booo

"when teh cash starts rollin', that's when teh people starts movin"

later on today, i'm going out for some study sessions with babyboo at the national library. i can't wait to see babyboo. i miss babyboo so much. although its only has been about a few days since i last saw babyboo. and i need cashhhhhh. oh jezuzzz hell yes me broke! i wish.. i wish i'm rich. perioddd.

birthday's coming. i don't know. darnnnn as your age climbs one step higher, you just wish you're only 3. or maybe just 10. when pubic hair and boobies are still invisible. nyehehehe. oh man. we're growen up so festtt. dayumm

__________________________________________________________________________________________

and babyboo, i left a little something for you. chao

maafkan bila ku tak sempurna

2008-06-12T01:45:00.004+08:00

all i can do is watch you leave
i wish i could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry

your used to be "bestfriends", what happened to that?
smile but don't smile. we can't do anything anymore. ask yourself this, would everything be the same if your friendship came back? doubt so. and it totally didn't turned up the same. everything felt so awkward.

fuck life. fuck life so bad.

do you miss your bestfriend?

i don't know. mine was because we can't communicate, and then *poof!*

GONE

how about you?
the same?

i still tell her i missed her, loads of times, but i think she took it on an account of a mutual acquintance kinda thing, oh god, take me back to the start will you?

you said, "it hurts when the one she prioritise isn't me anymore. because it was me initially in the first place. me. me me me"

so you, you my friend, you are so happy to be around your babygirls now. wow. geez

period_______________________________________________________________________

ok this is random, but i just wished that tipah don't have to leave us for the boarding school. darn. don't go will ye? we all love you pah, very much

so anyway
cut it out will ye pedro mate? your blog has always been about these and that, your friends and your babyboo. you have been so cryptic, like monyet says. so pessimistic. tskk

i'm so sorry for what my blog had become, but this is me. this is what i'm going through everyday and i thank god

eh no i have not
and baby i'm so sorry, its not that i don't trust you at all, it's just that i think humans like me only start to trust their partner even more stronger, better, when doubts comes and mess around their head

and i'm not embarassed any bit to call myself paranoid just because i keep telling you i love you, sorry, i just think they're never enough

sorry for my imperfections, my love, i just have words, sentences, phrases and actions just to keep us going on better. forget those admirers that have been playing around the sky, i'm still here. my flaws never stop persuading me to convince myself that i'm not match for you. rubbish eh? all these negative influences. i'm fighting hard for what i want here. right now in my life. yes, all i want is you, just you. to stay true to you, sacrifices around, adding on to the patience and sincerity i'm willing to work on every minute, will you marry me? lol too early

i love you, you won't leave me. nyehhhh i'm talking to you now. i'm alright. i'm fantastic baby

thank you love :]

what's the story, morning glory?

2008-06-05T01:14:00.003+08:00

dear marquis,

i am so grateful that you come into my life. i love you. and i won't stop loving you (:

xoxo archduke

Heartbeat

2008-06-04T00:07:00.009+08:00

Since I haven't been updating my blog for the longest time, here's some recent peektures I took with my fans. Huahua

The Archduke and Countess Tipah before club

Pedro and Anansa during sheesha

Pedro and Faizal during sheesha

Test.

Here's a recap of what happened on the 30th of May

Pedro and The Tak Mandi-s

Pedro, Dan and Tipah

Pedro and Tipah cycling!

Pedro and Nina baby!

ok byeee. ped rockxzxx
p.s. i love babyboo like crazyyyyy siah (:

The Glock

2008-05-27T01:41:00.005+08:00

Due to much happiness, I hereby declared myself, lost in between 7 colors, of which the leprechauns long dwelled for a chest full of magical gold coins.

You don't know how much you mean to me, let's keep on running, just me and you, towards our future baby. Love is war.

Here I am tonight, talking to you on the phone, I'm alright. I'm fantastic! Blissed.

Period.

So, me pasts, I've been wonderful. Eagerly, I would like to say that I've been so much stronger now. I'm empowered. It's really such a pity that you didn't get to see what my powers could evolved into. I wouldn't justify why you did it. Why every single words you said stumbled upon your own lips. But that was way back then. You did it. You know what you did. You knew.

Phantasmal. Psychotic. Unreasonable. Bletherskate. You.

You seceded yourself, somehow. Like I've said, over and over, time and time again, your loss. Never mine. Blame yourself for bruising on my ego. Now look at what you've done. I don't wish to use the word 'beg' but I thought it suited the whole situation. Don't you think so? Sucker.

Fly away baby. Go ahead, and be gone with it.

Stop and reverse?

And to you,

I'm so sorry, my friend. I'm utmostly sorry for that you have not been discovering your own love by now. I know how much you yearns for what that have not come throughout the years, but darlin, patience in virtue. I know, how sweet it would be, how sweet it would have become as though it has replaced away all those pains you've gone through. But his love, what do you see in them? To 'errr' is definitely humans. Doubts, yes doubts. What? Other than doubts? Oh, wait, there's more? Oh what? Your flaws? You're not worthless, never were. So about you before he met you? Do you want to count yourself worthless? Shame on you, for thy shallow. And part of the mess that he have been making, you're the catalyst

When you loose something you can't replace, when you love someone but it goes to waste, could it be worse?

These lights, they will guide you home. These lights, these lights are your own senses. And I, I'll be waiting for you here, here, right under your chest, through your ribcage, your heart.

Hey,

Where'd you go? Some of them cursed and swear cus' you left, forever bitching, only god knows what sins they've committed.

I heard that you've changed. Seemingly, from all those rains that has been pouring. All those sunshine that has been radiating throughout our happy sunny days. My god, look how happy they are to be talking and laughing away with you again. Each and every single one of them. Don't go away, don't change again. Please. We love you. And them, I think they suffered from all the positive gratifications we achieved, leaving them clueless, cowheads.

My good friends, just wanna let you people know that its been a wonderful journey together. Naddie, Tipah, Rizzy, Dan-Dan, Nina, I LOVE YOU GUYS

KIMAK MACAM BUAT SURAT WASIAT SIAL. HAHAHAHAHA KANINEH. OK BYE. PED ROCKXZZZ!!!

To babyboo,

I love you so much. I love us, our tent, the beach, the stars, the fastfood meals, the random bus rides, blablabla. You're everything that I need, I yearned for. I love you. I LOVE U B!!!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Flight of Fancy

2008-03-01T13:09:00.003+08:00

glee? glisten? glitter? gloominess? flopped? midst? still breathing?

so, all these juveniles being juxtaposition together, what the hell did they do?

all these kindred spirits, did they get together to pour some magic dust for the love that is gone? did they? but do they need these magic dust? but wait, who's these they who needs the magic 'love' dust anyway? what the fuck are those damn bloody pixies doing?

what's wrong with us? why? is because we're too young? no i don't think so cus it's all so cliche to tell yourself, "oh well, i'm too old to know what's right and what's wrong"

did you repent, boy? did you learnt a lesson? or did you laugh at what you did; just smiled and giggled and give a smirk without knowing how silly you have been? what the hell do you think you're doing? you think it's funny?
or would you just put your head down, deep inside you're crying, telling yourself you're remorseful, but wait, no, not really remorseful, since there's alot of voices everywhere, here and there; mixed emotions. all you wanna do is just go home, lock yourself up in your room, close the curtains, just snuggle into your cosy bed and ponder through your sleep?

and my god, you, you beautiful girl, where have you been? how did you get lost? did you know how irrefutable you have been? we could all tell you that you're young, but why did you do it?

i could see sadness in your eyes, what's happening sweetheart? when did your heart go missing? you could have just let it go, you know, you could just let the rain wash everything away, you could have just snuggle to mummy and let her sing a lullaby for you, you silly beautiful thing. i know you need him, i know how badly you wished you could have him, but baby, don't force it in you. i'm sure you wouldn't want him to think that you're naive and vulnerable so baby, get your both feets on the ground and tell yourself, "it's his loss, not yours"

"this circular motion is all we do, i'm so sick of going back and forth with you, you should have been happy to have me"

there's a mark you leave boy, like a love heart, carved on a tree. their skin is like a map, of where your heart has been and they can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing. so they let down their guards, drop their defences, down by their clothes

they're learning to fall, with no safety nets, to cushion the blow

we all know it come, it come to walk between us and when it's over, it walks away. it bloody did walked away. so is these a conspiracy? who's mocking me? who's mocking you?

hell no, but who's loving you?

would you think it's over? or would you still let it run all over your soul, creating pains for it you have thought that its a whole lot of ignominious acts, billions ignominy for you, and yet, you let it imbricate throughout your whole miserable life

what's troubling you baby? the glum on your face, i would die just to hug you, i would cry just to know the shattered pieces that's been pouring all over your soul, is hurting your body, every blood running through your veins; it always has been that one person trying to stream in, i wouldn't wanna let you feel the pain, i wouldn't, but where have we been? why can't we talk? why did we have doubts? if you tell me you love me, come back and haunt me, oh and i would rush to the start

"cause if you only knew what i felt for you. you would have held on tighter, fought a little harder, been a little smarter and now you're gonna miss my love. and one day soon you'll see, you'll reach out for me.

you had a keeper, didn't know how to treat it right. should have felt a little deeper and now you're gonna miss my love"

[breakdown], period

my hugs and my kisses, you know you're gonna miss it. and while you're tripping on the love we could have had, i'm moving on, i got to and ain't no looking back

answer me, anyone, god, you there?

but no, god, god you can't take me back to the start, i can make it all happen again, all clean and sweet, and you, don't you ever speak as loud as my heart. you might get lost again, and i, i bruise easily sweetie

it's so misty in here, the fogs are blurring my visions, and if i never take these leap of faith, i never know

anyone who, can touch you, can hurt you, or heal you. anyone who, can reach you, can love you, or leave you

what about my flaws? didn't you know i have insecurities? okay fine, we all do, but individually, i'm scared, you make me scared. i don't want to lose you, those 3 words, it's been stalking me. all i can do is try, to believe it but i got doubts, why would you love me? they're better, i think so.

why am i talking all these? what the fuck? no, it's not some kind of mockery nor is it some kind of some twisted old raconteur stories. i have dreams, not small ones, big extravagant dreams, which apparently i'm working on. i'm a puzzle, yes indeed. who wouldn't want to sail with someone on a ship together, big journeys of life all the way

did you forgot that you can see so many beautiful things around you?

i.loved.you

okay then peeps, outta here. only those who get my drift will know what i've been crapping for the past 10-15 minutes of my post. much love

In the morning

2007-11-27T04:01:00.000+08:00

hey! (:

i'm back to blogging after sucha long time. it's been a wonderful ride, haha yes. honestly. ok so, i'm back to blogging, i need to buck up my vocabs. shit i need books. dictionaries. i wanna pick up spanish language, or perhaps french. they sound so sexy. hah

i can't wait for xmas and new year's eve! dangggg. with all the people i love, kan best gitu kan. muahaha.
oh yes, i met alot of new wonderful people, and i'm proud to have and love them. there's too much to say lah, heh but everyday as i blog, you'll know what kinda ride i've been on. its an adventurous one of course, full of ups and downs, bumpy and smooth. i enjoyed it, every second of now. woohoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

i miss all these people. oh man

adit!
nadirah!
nana!
fifi!
alex!
faezah!
katie!
skinnyfries!
rizzy!
fareizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! (omg bro! how could i not forget you!)
mckayson!
waney!
nyna!
faris!
mira!
sheryna!
fahe!

i love you guys.

ohh,
and i love you babylove (:
you're the sun in my universe, it's built to last

bersabarlah sayang

2007-10-12T02:33:00.000+08:00

why?

im so emotionally wrecked these days. i shouldnt have done it. now its all coming back and hits my karmic wall again. painful.bashed.crashed.crushed. whatever you call it

i never love anyone so much as i did for shzd. now, you come, and you dont know how much im afraid you would leave. i understand the fact that you have a date and all, and if i hadnt had confessed to you 3 weeks ago i think these wouldnt happened. you're like the light of my life now, you relights everything. i love you alot.

nadirah, thanks for being there for me. thanks alot nad. best of the best!
rizzy, you have listened to my laments everynow and then. and im always breaking down. oh man. thanks for being there for me broooooooooooo
waney, i miss you. i miss you bestfriend. :( im sorry for anything i've done.
shzd, wherever you are now, i hope you're doing good.

and to you my love, my everything, i love you, even if it means i have to sacrifice my life for you, i would. and the reason why im breathing now is only because of you, don't leave, never go away please

but, mom, you cant never replaced everyone above.

im so emotionally wrecked.
selamat hari raya people

A hall of records, or numbers, or spaces still undone.

2007-09-30T12:26:00.000+08:00

thats it siaaa i tell you.
anorexic alert!

i'm going skinny.
yes.

i dont like seeing me so fat on pictures. oh im fugly ;o
rescue me supergirl!

alex

2007-09-24T19:22:00.000+08:00

test.

i'm crazy for alex. and so does alex. woohoo

on hiatus.
5465436546 dinosaur years of hibernation, ok bye.

stripped off.

2007-09-22T14:24:00.000+08:00

first and foremost,

happy 10th and 16th birthday to my kid brother, amirul fahmy roslan, 21st september and my all-time-bitch buddy nur dini mohamed sani, 22 september. god bless you two :]

just so you know, life has been awesome darlin.

2007-09-19T04:49:00.002+08:00

"there is one thing you have that i lack. the one thing i long for more than anything else because it is the one thing that i can never have"

hauntingly beautiful with a strange translucent glow

2007-09-16T09:58:00.000+08:00

i was flickr-ing and i saw some photos which really makes me sad. real sad.

this is for Afra, because i'm really touched by you, everytime we saw someone sitting down, begging. you'll stopped, and gave them money. god bless you

test.

okay, i got this from belle. i was fucking moved by it. enjoy

Message:

My reason, season and lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically,emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a god send and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or an inconvenient time,this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die.Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.

Some people come into your life for a season, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.They bring you an experience of peace or gives you happiness beyond what you expected. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Room of Angel- Akira Yamaoka

You lie silent there before me
Your tears they mean nothing to me
The wind howling at the window
The love you never gave I give to you
But really don't deserve it
But now there's nothing you can do
So, sleep in your only memory
Of me, my dearest mother

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes
It was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry
Here's a lullaby to close your eyes

So insignificant sleeping dormant deep inside of me
Are you hiding away, lost under the sewers?
Maybe flying high in the clouds?
Perhaps you're happy without me
So many seeds have been sown in the field
And who could sprawl up so blessedly, If I had died
I would have never felt sad at all
You will not hear me say "I'm sorry"

Where is the light? I Wonder if it's weeping somewhere

God bless this woman. Saw the bucket she is holding? She looked calm.

so insignificant, the way you hiding emotions through silence. why must it be her? she really touched me, by all means.

innocent, pure. they seek no money but love and concern. bless them

dear god,
please take care of them.

"blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

music: eisley- invasion/ mood: i-need-jubilee-pills.

2007-09-12T23:00:00.000+08:00

i have a fetish for girls who wear stilettos. the hot looking ones of course. the higher the heels, the better. the sexier. lol. oops, secrets untold. heh

howdy.

i'm utterly disappointed with huda's decision to close down her blog. i mean, i do understand how she felt and all, you know, so much for knowing her when you only knew her through her blog.

it's beyond superficial, everything. yes huda, i know.

"you're so pathetic, you should go fuck yourself." - lohan
yeah indeed.

and

i'm surprised that many unexpected people are reading my blog. lol, welcome welcome.
and hello SAM! hahahaha. its a must to hangout with me and reize along some day okay?

i didn't went to school today. reason: sore eyes. ah yeahh, sore eyes or what?!
met afra at bukit batok today and head out for far east's cahaya. i was so fucking hungry since i haven't had anything since yesterday afternoon. the food wasn't being nice to me at all, was such a turn off instead.

afra got herself a nyonya going crazy after her. maklomlah kan, ade orang baru wax kaki. hahahahaha. aku rase, it must have been your shiny legs. lol. it was funny lah, the nyonya kept being soo nice and sweet with her throughout the whole time we're there. after such and all, right after we stepped from the escalator, khairie and imah was already calling for us and they're going for cahaya too. so we went back, and the nyonya was trying to woo(read: maybe for her son?) her again or something.

khairie: ah yerr. pakai baju leopard je tiap2 hari. kau tengokkk
me: maybe tu dah uniform dier ahhh. hahahahaha
khairie: aku rase dier boss ah. kene pakai baju special sikit

khairie sial. hahaha

which nyonya am i talking about? oh the one working at cahaya at far east. she's the only nyonya working there, i'm sure you guys know who am talking about. yeah she's always wearing the same leopard shirt as mentioned by khairie. true. lmao

so we killed time and stuff and imah wanted to do her dnt. headed for taka and went home 2 hours later. fasting tomorrow mah. macam faham. bleagh.

you are reading my blog. i'm raving and ranting about my personal life. you may find me cliche, i do not care at all. you may think i'm a walking contradiction, i do not care at all. you may find me a bore, i do not care at all. you expected me to be what you think your mind told you, i do not care at all. i am not a goody two shoes like you thought i was. too badd. you hate me, still, i do not care at all.

you're so pathetic. you should go fuck yourself.

hahahaha. i laughed when i saw this. cool but weird, eh? airpork are so off the market for now!

woohoo someone's going a year older already. happy birthday to MIRA EIRLMELIA! i love you yes ;]

haircut. handshakes. black pepper steak. hot milo. smiles. clarifications.

2007-09-08T23:40:00.000+08:00

dear angel,

i'm srry if i ever hrt y so dp.
i lv y s mch nw i hv t fnlly lt y go, in pc.
i m gng 2 mss y vry mch.

i lv y bgft.

absolutely.

2007-08-25T19:08:00.000+08:00

reize is right. reize is very right.

"absolutely fine, right. and the world's getting misleading, like i don't even know who the fuck to trust anymore. "

something is not right. i can feel it inside. we no longer know what to chat about everytime we walk side by side on the way to school. i don't know what happen to us. literally, or is it i'm getting paranoid over this? i don't know. you tell me. until now, i still don't understand what does we both mean in the terms of being 'bestfriends'.

urgh.

i've come up with some reasons though. you're prolly getting bored and tired with all my laments every now and then, yes? hmm. i don't know. we're so different now. it's like, we're floating away, from our clouds. sometimes i wonder hard, what the fucking fuck really happened? or is it you just can't accept the way i am? i don't blame you. maybe it's just those time when we think we're pretty much grown up for now and felt like we don't need to do this anymore. i envied other people with their own bestfriends. nisa and yazid. ah yes. i'm not saying that bestfriend MUST do everything together, but we never did go out and spend time together like bestfriends did. weird eh? i don't see me important anymore. maybe i am the one at fault? for not treating you like a real real bestfriend?
so now i'm telling you, if we're really finally far apart, i shall treasure this friendship we had :]
but whatever it is, i still love my bulat and you are my number one bebeh.

it seems that everyone is rowing their boat faster and faster nowadays. far away to oceans, passing through each other's boats, no hi and bye thing. just keep rowing and rowing. don't you felt like the world is so much lonelier now? i'm not being pessimist here but if you ever thought for a second, it sure is. kurang kasih sayang agaknye aku. ahahaha.
chillout sessions and parties. new friends were made, time passes quickly. and then everyone left, and then, new friends were made again. and the cycle follows.

aww, we're growing up so fastttt.

i missed them.
i missed time.
i missed fun.
i missed us.
i missed it.

random.

sit still and close your eyes. what's behind the other door? no more silence, don't kill this thing we called love. just searching for the perfect drug. and when love comes calling, don't look back, don't look away.

beyond superficial.

2007-08-23T22:47:00.001+08:00

alright alright, i'm having snacks right now. am so bored i thought i should blog because there's something that is fucking bothering me right now. i just need to jolt this down and fucking let it out. hah, yes yes.

why must people behaves like that? why? its fucking weird and irony isn't it, to act like a total bitch? be it the ladies or even the guys. fret not. maybe they're born like that. i'm not saying you, HAHA, that's if you felt for it. dumbfuck. haha! i wasn't crazy about this social life we people are digging about THESE days. you bet, you couldn't deny it yourself though. and most of us tends to be much more beyond ourselves, bitchy, arrogant and full of the emptiness we thought we have filled up. such empathy. we wanted to be like, each one of us, in any kind of communities, we all did. sheesh

and so what if i'm fatter and rounder now? i don't care baby. so what if you have an average body size? you're no better either. i love being a fatboy. its you who need help, you should get yourself proper into life. stop wasting saliva.

partay partay and more partayyy tomorrow night, yes please! yay. and sam's vocals are the best. i love clouds. postbox are teh sex yawww. mind you, it takes a while to load up the song. so, enjoy, clouds for you on the background.

fallen valkyrie [:

(sun)rise.

2007-08-18T23:52:00.000+08:00

cotrimoxazole and nimegen seems to be working half a day only these few weeks. on high and low contrary terms, i just hope i'll end this course by end of year. this accutane journey i have been through for the past 3 months, it helps me a little bit with my confidence and self-esteem.
and definitely i would thank my dearest naddie and rizzy for helping me with all these whatever shitnots. exams are on the go and soon i'll be ending school, which is something i really cannot wait for.

something is giving me hope, not a little, but beyond extreme. everything is giving me hope. but i do know that hoping alone is not enough, believing is somewhat we have to put into the magic cauldron too. plus, all that sugar, spice and everything nice. in fact, have to work out on the solution because in every problem lies its own seed to its own resolution.

you're mine forever.

of drunkard love politics and neon lights dancefloor anthem

2007-08-12T07:34:00.000+08:00

went clubbing and met some people of which i didn't really expected much of.
thanks S87265xxE for the night. and izhar too.
well, i just got home, all shagged. sleeping soon

r, pedro punya.