i just don't want to know anymore. i don't want to go back there anymore. there, where filthy sins and guilts lingers to ruin this deteororating bad habits. at this point of time, i'm really trying my best to fix myself, from every corner of my entire broken soul.

i sat up one night, middle of the night and i knew i could do this. i still don't know how i'm gonna do this, but, i knew i could do it. you just have to know. and when you don't know, then no one can fault you for it. you do what you can, when you can, while you can. and when you can't, you can't.

some things, they're really never meant to be told, never meant to be shared, never meant to be deal with at all. so, the best way that i think i could handle this, is to never had any expectations, generally, anything, anything that's too much to ask for. and if i leave, i don't expect a repercussion. none. and its true... if you keep doing good things, you'll always feel good all the time.

but you, you got to be a metaphor for that whole thing we used to have, it hurts and breaks me, while we're trying to satisfy our wants, seduce by the evil lusts; i never want it to be so easy but indeed, time and time to come, it has grew difficult by itself. and here's what i think that metaphor is saying: no matter how many precautions you take, when you really care, no safety measure is enough to protect your growing tender, vulnerable heart. you can double-glove until the cows come home, but when someone else holds your heart in his or her hands, you may well seriously get hurt. i should know. my own heart has been battered and bruised aplenty throughout the years. i've handed it to others, only to have it handled carelessly, dropped reluctantly, or stomped on cruelly. it's scratched and stained and not nearly as resilient as it once was. so why do i keep trying? why do i keep pulling my misshappen shattered treasure out of my chest and proffering it to others? why not just walk away? i could have quit, but maybe here's the thing: i love te playing field, just like a hard day's night. afterall, we're all humans, we're bound to fall in love, guard our heart the next thing we knew we got thrashed.

but i'll promise you, i'll be stronger than this, and for being me, i pray that you would welcome my existence with at least the littlest mutual understanding that we're all in it.

Monday, December 21, 2009