don't you think it is foolish to be holding on to something that will never turn out to be of what you always expected and believe in?

it does seems foolish, but at least i have reasons to always love you from far away. nobody, no one in this world can ever replace you. i hope god took pity on me, because time machine never existed.

i told myself that i let you go completely, but what's up with me? up to these days i still can't let you go. it is very hard. enough is enough. i must do something... even if it means by running far far away like a coward to somewhere only i know... my hidden private sanctuary. you must be laughing hard at me for being so hopeless.

bigfoot,
i will always wait for you.

i cannot let anyone in anymore. or else all i do will be substituting them for you, which is not fair and not genuine at all. they won't understand anyway. i'm gone, its hopeless.


i'm doing okay for these period of time.

struggling... somehow or rather.

i do know that if i carry on this way, it will only hurt my feelings on going but as i said, i lived for you. there is nobody there that believes me, loves me, or have faith in me just like you did back in those times.

i just missed it so much. i missed it so much that i have nobody to talk or turn on to which leads me to blogging. i don't believe in it anymore since i don't think it'd ever come my way again. even if it did, its there just to hurt me.

my life is in a mess. i'm really sorry to my parents for they bore a hopeless unfilial son. i'm sorry ibu. i really do. i miss you alot. you lost me... and i lost you.. eversince 12 years ago. it was never the same again. i know how much you are concern about my life, about being a good mom, but it never help. all you do was brag and nag how much burden i am, and it hurts me so much. it fucking hurt me. if you want me to care about your feelings, what about mine? you are being so conservative all the time. i know your life is hard on you, but you never did let it go didn't you? you never did. i know you very clearly. i'm sorry about your life. i really do. i miss you ibu. i just wished i could hug you and tell you how much i love you but it will never be the same again. and to you my dad, you cursed and swear me out of your life, but i still miss you. i didn't mean to cause alot of agony between you both. i apologised.

it's all a mistake.

i guessed the only way to live right now is to struggle and breathe harder. i'm still in my comfort zone though, so i got nothing to worry about.

its like moving mountains.

Saturday, March 07, 2009